His Cancer Warrior

Moving!!!

2011-08-05T14:03:00.000-05:00

FYI-I FINAAAAALLLLLLYYYYYYY dumped all my blogs into one big fat one:) I know I know I know... bout dang time!!!

So, please feel free to hop over to http://amayzinglife.blogspot.com/

If you are really super bored, you can actually scroll through the past 4+ years all the way to Bella's birth and first years, Hunter's pregnancy and first years, my cancer, and our LIFE:)

Love
D

The Cancer Aftermath

2010-01-27T19:52:00.002-06:00

When I was in the midst of my cancer battle, I longed for the days when I could finally say those 2 sweet words "cancer free". I am thankful to God, my awesome healer, for getting me to that point. I just never imagined the ongoing aftermath of cancer. Sometimes it is frustrating and discouraging to have one thing after another pop up and in the end all point back to either my cancer, my surgery, my radiation or my blood counts being so low they were classified as "life threatening". In my head I know, and am continually working to accept, the fact that every little twinge, pain or "off" thing is going to send me into a spiral of worrying whether the cancer is back or if a new cancer has started to take over my body. I'm trying to look at things positively and remind myself that at least by the time I get to the age where a normal person would actually be having all these procedures (mammogram, colonoscopy, breast biopsy) that I'll have already gone through it and be an old pro and have no worries:) I just pray to God for peace, discernment, wisdom, and the strength and desire to make that leap from surviving to thriving-my new goal for 2010!!

So the latest... had a colonoscopy this morning. It honestly was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be-I was totally zonked out so I didn't even know when it started or when it was happening, and all the nurses were so awesome and kind. The worst part, as you can easily imagine, was the prep-not even gonna go into those pretty details LOL Really wasn't fun when you are attempting to help your spouse get 2 little people to bed, and pathetically even the "food" on Cafe World (Facebook) was looking soooo scrumptious!

I had the colonoscopy because I've had alot of lingering symptoms since my last radiation treatment-some of it started during radiation, some stopped when radiation stopped, some continued and some new ones started. So my oncologist wanted to make sure it was related to damage from radiation and nothing else was going on.

YAY good news (or I guess best that it can be in this case)-I have radiation proctitis (no cancer, no polyps, no biopsy necessary, so basically as "normal" as could be in my case). Apparently 75% of cancer patients who receive radiation to the pelvis/abdomen end up with radiation proctitis. We are hoping mine is mild enough that it can be treated with medication.

First attempt will be an anti-inflammatory enema, once nightly for one month (oh yeah, gonna be fun evenings in our house BLAH). The surgeon also mentioned trying an anti-spasm medication which I think would do wonders because I had to take something similar when I had bladder issues during radiation and it helped alot-so I'll discuss going ahead with that when I see him next month. If neither of those work, we'll look into other meds and as a last resort, surgery. Gonna definitely do my research and find any and every med tried so I can avoid surgery!!

So the near future holds- breast biopsy follow up with Dr. Friesen on Friday, colonoscopy follow up with Dr. Rogers early next month, routine oncologist appt in April, and then follow up mammogram this summer. I soooo long to be 5 years out, officially in "remission" and prayerfully done with all this JUNK!! But I know I just need to rest and be thankful that I AM cancer free, I'm not in the middle of that battle, and I am ALIVE-here with my husband, my babies, my family and friends, and am able to get out of bed every day and not only just function but live a pretty darn awesome life:)

Thanks for all the sweet and encouraging emails and cards-love you and thank you for the prayers!!

Cancer Free!!!

2010-01-22T12:23:00.002-06:00

WOOOO awesome report-the path results from my biopsy show NO CANCER!!! When the nurse called to tell me on Monday, I screamed, "AWESOME!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU" and then hung up on her:) LOL oops!! I was just too excited and didn't even think to ask questions. Thankfully I have a follow up appt next week. I was able to take off the binding on Wednesday (never thought I'd be so thankful for a normal bra LOL) and only have bruising now (not swollen or sore anymore-YAY). We have done so much rejoicing this week-thank you SOOOO much for all of your prayers!!!

On to the next medical adventure.... I seriously cried all the way home on Wednesday just being sick of medical junk always looming in the distance attempting to consume my thoughts-kinda let it take over for a bit that afternoon. I have been diagnosed with radiation colitis. Unfortunately when you have radiation, it not only kills the nasty cancer cells but the good healthy ones too (did you see Grey's Anatomy this week and the "smart" radiation that only kills the cancer cells-AWESOME!!!). So my radiation was to my pelvis and abdomen and apparently it did quite a bit of damage to the organs in my abdomen and that is why I'm still having alot of the radiation after effects, still this far out from my last treatment. So lucky me, I get to have a colonoscopy on Jan. 27th. I'm trying to be positive and look at it as once I do get old to the age where it is actually normal to have these kind of lovely procedures, I won't have to have any fear cuz I'll already know what to expect-HA, gotta find the silver lining and that is what I came up with! So if you can say a little prayer that the procedure goes off without a hitch and everything comes back just peachy:) I'm ready for a year when I'm no longer a never-ending prayer request LOL But am eternally greatful for all of your prayers!!!

PS-Chubs is walking!!! Gonna try to get it on video this weekend and post it on the family blog:)

Blah

2010-01-11T21:31:00.002-06:00

Threw myself a big ol pity party tonight-felt kinda good to just let go of the tough girl facade and have a nice lil meltdown:) Gonna pray lots tonight cuz I think Satan is really trying to creep in and plant lots of anxiety, doubt, worry and TONS of anger.

I know cancer will always be a part of my life. I know every ache, pain, weird "off" thing will cause me to think, "Is it back?" But dangit I do NOT want to go through this again! I do NOT want my family to have to be dragged through it. I hate even thinking about my life possibly having to revolve around cancer all over again.

I've been positive since I found out I was gonna have surgery. Just gonna get in there, get this junk out and it'll be nothing. Not sure what the heck my problem is today but it ain't fun! I guess just the fear of yet another surgery, dreading the wait over the weekend, and knowing anytime my phone rings on Monday or Tuesday I will want to throw it. I'm gonna tell the surgeon that if it is bad news, they need to call me and tell me to come in. Don't tell me over the phone. I want my family with me this time. Finding out last time all alone when I went in thinking they were just gonna stop the bleeding again was not fun (granted they didn't get the path report til after I was already there so there was no way to avoid it). If its good news, then they can call and just tell me over the phone and I'll jump around squeeling like a goofball:) Oh I hope I get to jump!!!

Last week, one night when I was having a doubtful moment, I just said to God, "Ok, seriously if this is what you need to be able to use me in awesome ways, I'll take one for the team. Use me use me use me but it better be all for your glory God!!!" Yeah that sacrificing moment didn't last too long-went right back to praying for no cancer! But seriously, the last time around, God used me in so many awesome ways and still is, just touching people and being there, being able to use that whole experience for his glory has been life changing. Then I said, "Ok, but really God, could we just skip a 2nd dose of it? Is it REALLY necessary?" I dunno-just a crazy back and forth dialogue I've got going with him-somehow keeps me sane:)

Latest

2009-12-30T12:34:00.002-06:00

Quick Update: I went for my first mammogram last week (highly recommended since I am now on hormone replacement therapy from my hysterectomy). Got called back in this week for a follow-up on a "spot". Was shown the "spot"-about 5mm pea size on the left side, showed up again on the 2nd mammogram. An ultrasound was performed to rule out clogged/inflamed/dilated ducts, and all of that was ruled out-it is a solid mass. The radiologist said, "You are so young and it looks benign so we can watch it for 6 months." I said, "We will do no such thing! I was too young for cervical cancer, had a normal pap smear 2 months before being diagnosed and it looked benign then too, so NO we will NOT wait and watch it, we will get it out of there faster than pronto!" Saw the breast surgeon this morning and we will be doing surgery (outpatient) on January 14th.

This will be an excisional biopsy which removes the entire mass or abnormal area, as well as a surrounding margin of normal-looking breast tissue. They will use wire localization since it is a small lump that is hard to find by touch. First they'll use the mammogram machine to map out the mass and then they will insert a needle with a thin wire directly to the mass so the surgeon can get right to the mass and remove the entire thing. I'll have local anesthesia and something good to make me not care that they are cutting into me:) Then more of the waiting game for the path report-hopefully by that following Monday or Tuesday to find out whether its cancer.

The surgeon was awesome and I really liked him. He goes to our church and everyone I've talked to highly recommends him. He was very proactive and supportive of getting this done ASAP and not doing the "wait and see" approach as the radiologist had suggested. He was totally understanding of me wanting things done and of how I felt-BIG brownie points!! He actually tried to get the surgery done tomorrow but we wouldn't have had time to do the labs and the first opening was the 14th. He said there is only about a 10% chance that if it is cancer that it is metastasized from my cervical cancer, which would mean this is a whole different, separate, 2nd cancer. But all of that is to be determined and depends on whether its even cancer. Hopefully its not and we don't have to worry about all that junk.

So next week (Wednesday, 1/6) I have my routine GYN oncologist appt with a more extensive exam per my radiation oncologist because of some stuff still going on that should already be resolved if it were after effects of radiation (not pretty details so just pray it's nothing and something simple to fix and I won't have to torture with the info LOL). Then Friday I have my pre-op lab junk. And surgery is the 14th.

Please pray the obvious-that is not cancer, that its only in one spot and can be easily removed and have clear margins. Please also pray for my family, they are just as scared as me (though they are braver and actually show their fear, I just keep mine nice and bottled up and put on my game face), and especially on the 14th as it is also the 2 year anniversary of my Nana going to Heaven.

Ben told me last night that he is gearing up for the next round-I hate that he has to gear up for anything!! I'm ready for smooth sailing but I know THAT is not what God promised-he promised he would be with us every step of the way, and he has. I know he only gives us what he knows we can handle but I'm thinking we need to have a nice lil powwow and reassess just how much he thinks I can handle!! I know I can do this and be his lil warrior all the way through, I'm just sick of my family having to go through it too. I had a lil chat with him last night as I was attempting to doze off and just totally realized that apparently he has something super duper awesome up his sleeve for me, some kind of amazing plan that somehow involves cancer, and I guess I didn't catch on the last time so he is giving me another go around. Just gonna pray for an open heart, mind, ears and eyes so I can get it this time!!

You've Come A Long Way, Baby Girl

2009-10-19T12:49:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I feel like that's what God is saying to me lately:) AND I LOVE that reminder!!

This weekend we got to pack up the kiddos (and their entourage) and head to Little Rock for Ben's cousin's wedding. Bella was the flower girl:) She did pretty awesome for her first gig-made it about 3/4 down the aisle before she saw Mama and decided to detour it straight for our pew LOL She did actually toss flowers out before that so she did better than me my first time LOL

I remember when I was first diagnosed and my cousin wanted me and my mom to come to a Taylor Swift concert with her in Chicago (unfortunately same weekend as the wedding). All I could think was, "OCTOBER?!?! Seriously, you think I'm gonna make it to October and actually feel human enough to not only make a trip to Chicago but do a concert?!?!" I told myself that I'd be happy if I was healthy enough to enjoy Christmas with my family.

So, it is October and here I am. I drove the whole way down and back-no my husband is not evil and did not force me to, I WANTED to and I was ABLE to:) I was ABLE to enjoy all the festivities and had a blast with my baby girl (and Mr. Man too). And didn't feel the need for a nap the entire weekend-HUGE for me!!!

It is still so hard to imagine that only 6 months ago I was hearing "it's cancer" for the first time, was going to all these insane appointments that I never imagined myself having to face, scheduling surgery, wondering when radiation would start and how long it would last, fearing they would find the cancer had spread, and just wanting my body to cooperate enough so I could enjoy every single second with my family, and praying this horrible disease did not have a negative impact on their lives (at least nothing they'll remember LOL). It seems like a lifetime ago that I was having to face this huge fight. But God never left my side for one minute-he was there for all those appointments, watched over the surgeons, was in the treatment room every afternoon (and even sent a few awesome cancer posse chicas my way to run into every afternoon), and took every cell of cancer out of my body. My family has been so blessed with all the prayers, emails, cards, meals, visits from complete strangers (AND people we love dearly LOL), and I know that is what kept us going.

It is scary, it does completely bring your world to a halt, and make you question all sorts of things that you never imagined would enter your mind, but in the end, its made me soooo much stronger and brought me a million times closer to my family, friends, and definitely God. Is it crazy to be thankful for cancer? I'm not thankful for all that we had to endure, but I'm thankful for the end product:)

My cheesy babies :)

Daddy with Hunter and Tinkerbelle

Daddy and his girl

Me and the flower girl:)

These crazy people that I live with decided to have a Parade LOL:)

The Latest

2009-09-09T13:23:00.002-05:00

I started feeling kinda crummy last week-just real weak and some fatigue. Towards the end of the week I was having lots of dizzy spells, some nausea and shortness of breath. All the same stuff I experienced when my blood levels were low last time. So I went in yesterday to have my levels checked (YES, I should have done it before the holiday weekend). They are still in the "safe" zone but have dropped a bit. We're hoping that my body is just trying to fight off the bug that everyone is passing around. If I still feel crummy on Friday and haven't gotten sick, then I have to go back in to have my levels rechecked. Please pray that they bounce back!!

Gonna post updated pics/videos of the kiddos on the Family Blog.

Thank you all so much for the continued prayers!!!

Update

2009-08-25T13:13:00.002-05:00

I can finally say, "I'm sooooo happy to be on the OTHER side!!" I am feeling awesome, have energy (and desire) to do "normal" stuff, and just enjoying one day at a time. Its amazing what a lil blood will do for ya:) I had my blood levels checked again last week and everything is right around the same. So for now, I do not have to go see the hematologist!!! I do have to call in pronto if I have headaches, dizziness, fever, pain, etc. so they can get me in right away to have my levels checked. Next appt isn't until Sept. 30th with my surgeon/GYN oncologist:) Not exactly looking forward to that one but hopefully I'll get another awesome report. I'm having to go back and forth with all the various docs to harrass them in order to get my CT scan done. It was suppose to be done in 3 months and we are going on 4 this week. I just want to hear, "It's gone. All clear." so badly!!! I'm just thankful that I am FEELing so much better. I didn't put any expectations out there and said that I'd hope I'd feel halfway human by Christmas, so I'm thrilled to be to this point at the end of August:)

More awesome news: As most of you know, my mom has been diagnosed with CVID (common variable immune deficiency) and has Vivaglobin treatments once a week (for the rest of her life). The immunologist felt that Bella and I should be tested for CVID since Bella was sick at least 1-2x per month from the time she was 1 year until she got her tubes done this April (thats alot of sick for a lil chica). We got her results back today and they came back PERFECT!!!! So her immune system rocks, she just needed tubies-which was pretty obvious to me anyways since she hasn't been sick once since she got them. I have to wait at least 6 months from the date of my last radiation treatment to be tested. Please keep me in your prayers for that one! My mom and I both had cancer at the exact same age (me-cervical, mom-thyroid) so its kinda scary. In my low moments, I bawl thinking of Bella getting to my age and the fear I know that I'll have for her. I just keep praying for a cure and that a miracle will come so she does not have to go thru this herself. Our genes are basically a petri dish just ripe for cancer.

Non-medical updates: Bella started preschool at Lifeway Christian and LOVES it!!! I think she is really going to thrive and do awesome. Her teacher, Mrs. Ostrand, is all about routines-LOVE it!!! Hunter is as close to crawling as he can possibly get. He is getting on all 4s and rocking back and forth. He can crawl backwards just hasn't gotten the forward gear down yet.

Thank you all soooooo much for all the prayers, cards, emails, delicious meals, sweet thoughts and just lifting our family up the past few months-you got us to this point!!! I will never be able to repay your kindness but am blessed to be at a point where I can give back to other survivors and their families. LOVE YOU!!!

Appt Updates

2009-08-09T13:14:00.002-05:00

Radiation oncologist appt went great:) He doesn't want to see me for another 4 months, and then only if I'm still having problems with side effects.

Next appt: Sept. 30th with the GYN/surgical onc. Its the big one and one I fear the most, especially with some of the side effects/red flags I've been having lately. I guess I'll be paranoid forever now when a doctor doesn't seem worried about something that *could possibly* be something and when they take the "wait and see" approach.

Gonna go update the family blog with some summer pics

http://mayquad.blogspot.com

Quick AWESOME Update

2009-08-03T16:40:00.001-05:00

My levels are up!!! 13.3 WOOOOOOOOO I'm back in the "normal" range-the low side of normal but normal is good, I'll take it!!! Go back in 2 weeks for another blood draw as my levels are expected to drop during the 4-6wk post-radiation period. Please pray my levels stay good and don't drop and just continue to go up!!!

Thanks for all the prayers!!! I have my one-month follow up appt with the radiation oncologist tomorrow afternoon.

Random Thoughts

2009-08-02T14:05:00.002-05:00

I was emailing (actually messaging on Facebook) the other day with one of my Cancer Posse chicas (a MUST read for ALL cancer survivors-Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips by Kris Carr) and somehow got on the subject of not being in control and having no clue what the future holds. I'll never forget when the doctor said the words, "It's cancer" and then I laid there bawling as he did an exam. All I could think about was my babies having to grow up without a Mama, and I just wanted to know that I was going to live and this was all going to be ok. I'm a planner and I NEEDED a plan faster than pronto!! The days waiting between diagnosis day and finding out what stage it was were grueling. They were the few days I allowed myself to be vulnerable and fear the worst-I bawled at church that Sunday. Then I realized-God is in control, this is all for a greater purpose and he will NOT let this cancer be wasted. I knew no matter what happened I would be ok and so would my family. (Yeah ok so tell me that again around midnight when I can't sleep cuz all I can think about is my appts this week LOL) It wouldn't matter how much I laid in bed, wallowing and worrying-it wasn't going to change the outcome. No one ever knows how much time they have left before they go to Heaven, so why waste the awesome time we have here on earth with the people we love? I don't want my kids to remember Mama laid up in bed crying and too sad to play with them (and YES, I am human and there have been days just like that). I was 6 when my mom first had cancer and honestly the only things I remember were knowing that Mama was sick, having her aunt come from Boston to take care of me and my brother and us not being able to hug her neck because of her surgery. I don't remember her allowing it to devastate her life. Thats how I want my kids to remember this time-we are a team, we pulled together and we beat this!!!

As for the fear of not knowing what the future holds... in the beginning I wanted answers sooooo badly, and still do even today want to know that every single little bitty cancer cell is wiped clean from my body and hasn't found any secret hidey spots. I want to know if/when its going to come back and how bad it might be. But while I was talking to my chica, I realized, ya know, if I had known how awful some of my bad days were really gonna be and had to wake up each morning with that looming over my head, I probably wouldn't have made it. I would have never gotten out of bed, never faced life, and never waged war against this disease. I would have feared those bad days so much and had so much anxiety that no blood transfusions in this world could save my sanity LOL Instead, I woke up every day determined to make it a good day, or at least give it the chance of being a good day. I woke up determined to give the fight all I had and draw all my strength from God and know he wouldn't leave my side. I woke up determined that even if I wasn't strong enough to hold my babies or chase them or push them in the swing, at least I could sit on the floor and give them hugs and make them giggle and read books-all without letting that fear of the possibility of a rough day ruin all of that. So sometimes, its ok to not know exactly what the future holds. God knows what he is doing by protecting us and forcing us to just live in this day and be so incredibly thankful for what each little minute holds.

Other randomness... I'm going to start working on writing my letter to the state's medical board. I've been dreading it and putting it off but I know its something I NEED to do-not just for myself, but for the doctor so she can truly understand her errors and what its done, as well as for the protection of her patients. I have no clue where its going to lead-I'm putting it all in God's hands. I don't want anything out of it other than for it to be acknowledged that mistakes were made. I don't blame the doctor for my cancer but I do think it definitely could have been and should have been caught ALOT sooner than it was, and it shouldn't have taken me having to find a new doctor to get diagnosed. I know people go years searching for a diagnosis so I was very lucky to have found it as early on as we did but there were just too many things that went wrong that cannot be simply chalked up to human error that I feel have to be addressed. So please just say a prayer that God will use me somehow thru this whole process and be with me in my heart as I begin writing the letter. I will post it once I'm done.

Thank you SOOOOOOO much for still praying for me!!! Also this week, Monday afternoon I have my blood work to see if my low hemoglobin was a one time thing or if something is going on, and then Tuesday afternoon I have my one month radiation follow up appt! Can't believe its been a month!!! I AM healing!

You've Got Mail (and cruddy insurance)

2009-07-28T08:33:00.002-05:00

Got the Whooper yesterday... 9 page radiation oncology bill *puke* Gotta love how even though I've beyond met my $2000 out-of-pocket max for the year, the bill is still $1k:) Insurance charged me a co-pay ($25) each time I had a radiation treatment (28), each time I saw the doc (at least once a week), each time I had an XRay (weekly) and add in a few cups to pee in and respective labs. Our insurance just ROCKS so even though I've met the out-of-pocket max, they can still charge co-pays. I've also met $50,000 of my lifetime max-never thought that'd happen by the age 27!! And amazingly, somehow, I still have $7 left to meet my deductible.... how does THAT happen?!?!

Too Good to be True?

2009-07-24T17:21:00.002-05:00

I'm feeling so much better than last week-mentally, emotionally and physically. I still have pretty bad fatigue which I know is gonna hang around for a while from the cancer but at least its not the running-on-dangerously-low-blood-supply exhaustion. I've honestly never felt that cruddy in my life and just totally out of control. I feel like my energy is getting better every day but I'm still taking it slow because I've learned the hard way that just because I have a little energy doesn't mean I need to jump up and do all the things I want to do because then there will be ZILCH for energy.

I'm trying to be thankful that I'm feeling better but at the same time not get excited and take it for granted. It scares me because each time I've just gotten to the place where I'm thinking that I'm feeling good, something happens. I had gotten over my crazy pregnancy and CSection and was doing good with the kiddos, and BAM you have cancer. Recover from the surgery and then get zapped with radiation. Attempt to get over all the lovely radiation side effects and end up with low blood (found out that anything below 8 for hemoglobin levels is life threatening, mine was 7.7-yet the ER doc let me go home...). Just kinda makes ya wonder whats around the next corner. I know I can handle it because I've got God right here with me but the fear is still lingering in the back of my head. Not to mention the looming blood tests on August 3rd-never stop praying! I'm staying positive that it will just show it was a one time thing since I was anemic to begin with but then I get on the internet and research-NOT a good idea! I think fear is something I'm going to battle for the rest of my life as a cancer survivor. Hopefully I'll figure out a way to just hand it to God and know in my heart he is in control and worry is just a waste of energy. If only I had a little switch in the back of my head to turn that worry wort off:)

We are taking the kiddos swimming tomorrow-sooooo ready!!! Hope everyone has an awesome weekend!

Vampire Treatment

2009-07-22T14:22:00.002-05:00

It has been a VERY interesting past 10 days. As you probably read from my previous post, I was having a rough week last week to say the least. I was completely exhausted mentally and physically and thought I was just overdoing it attempting to be Super Mom and putting too many expectations on myself. Turns out I was literally on the brink of my body shutting down-no wonder I felt so bad LOL

Gonna warn you, this is not pretty, I'm opening up sides of myself that I normally keep shut real tight but its part of this whole lovely cancer journey so I'm sharing in hopes that maybe someone else might just go thru something as wacky one day and it'll help them:) I refuse to let this cancer be wasting so this is how I'm putting it to use for the time being!!

Sunday morning I lost it-literally, screaming, crying and puking my guts up(luckily Ben and the kids were at church so they didn't have to witness Mama lose her mind). I stood in the bathroom for 30 minutes attempting to decide whether to take a bath or a shower. I was attempting anything that might make me feel better (aka like I wasn't going crazy). I never could decide, so I did both. Yes, I took a bath, soaked for maybe 5 minutes and then took a shower.

The screaming/crying/puking mania commenced. I was able to call my mom but she couldn't understand a word so luckily she came right over. She ended up taking me to the ER-they weren't much help but did run blood work (they said they wanted to see what drugs I had taken too much of LOL). They gave me Ativan to settle me down and sent me home. I slept til the next morning. My mom and Ben took me to Ozark Guidance (we were still thinking my hormones were all out of whack and that everything had finally hit me and I was losing my mind-it was ugly, I was catatonic and could only answer "yes" "no" questions). The counselor said I needed to quit trying to be Super Mom and realize me losing my mind was only temporary and take some extra Lexapro.

Luckily my mom was able to get me an appt with my normal doc (Kim Carney, nurse practitioner at Bville Medical Assoc-helps out Dr. Arkins and is my newest hero). She had the ER fax over all the tests they had done. Smart chica figured out my hemoglobin was dangerously low. She ran and got Dr. Arkins really fast and he said, "I'm calling your oncologist and we are getting you a blood transfusion immediately and then you are seeing a hematologist because something is very wrong." Ben has been going to Dr. Arkins since he was Bella's age and said he has never seen him look so serious and so scared. Kim worked with the oncologist's office to get me admitted to Mercy on a direct admit. I've always had a thing against Mercy-I have no idea why, just something in my head. I can honestly say, now that I've been to every single hospital in the area (NW, WillowCreek, Washington Regional and now Mercy), that if I ever need anything again (ok, so WHEN...) I'm going to Mercy.

I was admitted around 3:30pm, had to get a bag of fluids while they ran my blood type and cross checked all kinds of stuff and got my first unit of blood started around 6:00. I had to get 3 units total so we didn't get out of there til 3am. SUPER boring but I can honestly say I'll thank God for blood donors for the rest of my life. Apparently I was somehow running on only 1/3 of the blood a normal person needs to function. THATS why I was "going crazy" and just not being me and not operating like a sane person-my brain wasn't getting enough blood and oxygen:) Seriously it was the hugest relief to know I wasn't wacko and hadn't lost it-I seriously felt that way and could not stop crying thinking they were going to lock me up and I was going to lose my babies. Nope, my body was just very near to crashing!

I will now be seeing a general oncologist that will be my head hauncho-I'll call him when I feel like I'm going crazy:) They are going to run tests in 2 wks (Aug. 3rd) to see if the "blood soaked in" (aka my body processed the new blood the way it should). If so, then this is just a one time thing which is likely the result of my body starting out behind because I have anemia then getting depleted from all the bleeding I had from the cancer plus the radiation zapping all my cells. But they also want to find out why my body is not rebuilding new blood cells to replace everything I've lost. If my body doesn't process the new blood, then I have to see a hematologist to start testing for various blood disorders (pray no new cancers).

So I need some more of your awesome mega super prayers!!! Please pray that I continue to feel great mentally and only improve; that I start to regain some energy (according to the docs after the blood transfusion I was going to "feel like a new person"-I don't and that scares me); that I get stronger physically and the fatigue starts to fade; that the tests in August show GOOD things; that I continue to draw closer to God (last week I felt like there was a huge wall between us-nope, just my bloodless mind) and draw from his strength to not let all these fears sneak into my spirit.

Thanks:)

Menopause & The Dog

2009-07-17T19:56:00.003-05:00

I've officially decided that 27 year olds just should not have to go thru menopause. I honestly don't know how women going thru menopause survive without hormone replacement therapy (HRT). I know its controversial and a touchy subject for a lot of people but I'm just sharing my personal experience.

My Gyn Onc was totally against HRT so I had to see my family practitioner about it (normal GYNs don't like to see me as they'd rather my Gyn Onc handle my case-I'm fun like that). She has been awesome about it. First we tried an Estradiol patch which worked great BUT once I started radiation, the radiation actually burned the adhesive to my skin. OUCH!!! So she put me on a spray, Evamist. I honestly don't know if any of it even got in my system. The past week was just downright ugly!! I didn't want to get out of bed, I dreaded spending time with my kids (TOTALLY not me), I woke up every morning with a migraine, I didn't want to eat, and bawled every night from being so exhausted and scared of what was going on with me. I seriously was just hating life and felt like I was losing it. Everything overwhelmed me and I just could not think straight.

Luckily I have an awesome husband who pegged it and said, "Its the hormones". Seriously my brain was just not functioning-I couldn't make the simplest decisions, so realizing it was the hormones was just out of my realm. My doctor was out this week so I had to make the decision on my own to go back on the patch. Its been a complete 360 just from yesterday. I still had a bit of a headache this morning but I was able and willing to get out of bed, pumped to play with the kiddos (we had an AWESOME day with the beautiful weather), excited to get work done, and not dragging or moping around the house. Sooooo glad to be human again!! I know it will be a few months before my levels get to where they need to be but even just one day has made such a difference-it can only get better!!!

I prayed so hard the first 4 days of this week, just asking God to bring light to what was going on and show me a solution (now thanking him for my awesome husband). I couldn't even handle taking care of the kids and it scared me. Then it made me really angry cuz there have been times in the past 6 months when I physically could not take care of them and I really thought I was beyond that point so I was full of anger that my babies were having to suffer and that I wasn't enjoying them like I normally do. Then I just piled on all kinds of super mom expectations and hated myself for not living up to it-yep pure craziness. Me without hormones is just not a pretty sight. Ben even said a few times that I was scaring him, and I know he was beyond maxed on stress having to pick up after me. Glad to be back on track for everyone's sake:)

Bouncing to a totally different subject... would anyone be interested in a puppy? She is a 5 mo old female blue heeler/lab mix-mainly lab, will probably grow to be about 3/4 of a full grown lab. Super duper sweet, very affectionate (LOVES tummy scratches), needs someone that can play with her and take her for walks-at this point we just can't handle it, plus she is a little big for Bella. She is very well behaved, obeys commands, is great with other dogs (haven't seen her around cats), and loves to play fetch. We got her for Bella's bday but Bella is just too intimidated by her size to even play with her. She is still in the puppy stage of nimbling so she can't be around Hunter and would need a home without real young children. She is just full of love and such a sweetheart that its hard to let her go but we know that we just can't give her what she needs. She'd be an awesome hunting dog if anyone is interested in that aspect, and is very trainable.

Hello from No More Radiation Land!!!

2009-07-13T10:41:00.005-05:00

No more radiation treatments!!! So nice to not have to look forward to that and plan around it every afternoon:) I'm still having some yukky side effects from radiation but the oncologist said I should be good by Wednesday-if not, I'll be calling them because this just is NOT comfortable! I am thankful that the fatigue is wearing off and I'm able to function like a normal person a little more.

I think I'm finally going through the roller coaster of emotions-I'm angry that I have to be a cancer survivor for the rest of my life, that the title has to be attached to me, then I'm so thankful that I'm a SURVIVOR and all the amazing ways it is continually transforming my life. I constantly question my ability to be a good mom-not being able to be a mom for so long destroyed me and just makes me afraid that I'm not up to it and wonder when I ever will be-but then I have awesome days and can totally keep up and love every second of it. And again, the thankfulness that I'm still here to be a mama and that my kiddos love me so incredibly much and none of this makes any difference to them. Bella still begs to snuggle with Mama and Hunter fell asleep snuggling with me at 4am today. And then I get bitter thinking that it could have been prevented yet I can't find it in me to maintain a Christian heart while writing a complaint to the state medical board-even though I know I NEED to. Then I think of my new physical limitations and side effects and I get angry all over again. Then I go back to thinking that I'm so glad radiation is over but I wish the whole cancer "thing" wasn't associated with me at all-then someone reminds me that me beating it and maintaining my faith has inspired them (I honestly try not to laugh when people refer to me as an inspiration-I'm just me). Just kind of a confusing mush right now.

Here's some pic love from the past week...

Silly cheesercakes playing together

Yep, they're mine:) All three of them

The kiddos with Uncle Popeye

Bella's bday present which she named Dora

Part Blue Heeler/Part Lab-approx 5 months old

Mama and her boy

Our Family at our Vow Renewal Ceremony

Me and my guy-love you!!!

Silly goofball got dressed up in her princess play clothes and decided she needed a raincoat on since it was raining outside LOL

Major cheesin in her Derby hat:)

Sweet man playing outside

Watching the trees-Ben, Bella and Hunter all have the exact same expression when they concentrate

OMG in love!!!

Raw

2009-07-02T12:05:00.002-05:00

I'm feeling a little raw from radiation-physically, not mentally:) Kinda hard to sit in a chair-too painful-but otherwise I'm feeling awesome!! Its really made me realize the past week or so that I must have been sick for a long time, looking back on how cruddy I felt thru my whole pregnancy (and even before) and especially afterwards. At the time I chalked it up to being the 2nd pregnancy and having to attempt to keep up with a 2 yr old, and then just not being as fast to recuperate from a 2nd CSection and having to keep up with 2 kiddos. Its awesome to know that I was sick, and that I won't feel that cruddy forever:) I'm already feeling SOOOO much better. My fatigue has faded-its still there but not even half as bad, and most of the pain is gone. Now just gotta hurry up and wait for the radiation side effects to subside. ONLY FIVE MORE TREATMENTS!!! It has gone by SO fast! I can honestly say that while I will not miss facing that every single day and making the trip each afternoon, I'll miss my radiation zappers:) They are an amazing group of people and their attitudes make it a bearable process. I'm not sure what the check up process is but I know they will be making a decision of whether I'll have to do more treatments and/or possible internal treatments. Please pray that next Thursday is FINITO!!! While I know that it will be awesome to be done, its not over-this is a lifetime thing that I will live with. I know every bump, twinge, pain, discharge, sniffle, etc will bring fear to my heart and I will just have to remain vigilant in listening to my body and not being afraid of feeling stupid for seeing a doctor for every little thing-it saved my life by doing it this time!! Just have to find the balance between the fear and knowing when something just isn't right and seeking medical advice.

Thanks for all the prayers, love, food, and support!!!

Pictures Galore;)

2009-06-28T20:32:00.005-05:00

Usually I do a major picture update whenever my camera gets too full on our family blog but decided to share here:)

Weird random pic.... this is one of my radiation treatment stickers-they use it to mark where the lines have to match up so they can zap me in the exact same spots each time. I thought it was neat that this one looks like a cross so I HAD to take a pic and share:)

Bella is sooooo enthused to have her pic taken LOL

My sweet babies

Snuggles

Me and Hunter-I love my smiley man:)

Sweet Chubs

Bella and her bandana (cut off shirt sleeve from Daddy's shirt LOL)

Lil Miss Coolness herself

Kiddos getting ready for church

Cheeser playing on Mama's bed

Kodak moment- NICELY playing together

Hot shot

Seriously, how can you not love this lil man?

Apparently he thought that was quite funny

Sweetest

Ooops fell down!

28th Bday Wish

2009-06-26T14:51:00.002-05:00

Ok so those of you that *really* know me, know that my birthday is not until Thanksgiving. But shhuuuusssshhhh-just go along with me here:) Yes, I have a birthday coming up. No, it's not one of the BIG ones (got a FEW more years LOL). But I have a BIG wish! My wish is not just for me, but for everyone who has been, or probably will be touched by cancer.

I am the team captain of NWA Cancer Warriors-one of the American Cancer Society's Relay for Life teams for the Rogers Relay this August 14-15. I am hoping to get tons of awesome people (YOU) to join my team so we can have the biggest and bestest team on the track!! Our team's goal for this event is $5,000-and I know with you on the team, we can do it!!

The Relay is a team event filled with fun, food and friendship, surrounded by people of all ages and backgrounds, joined together to honor cancer survivors and remember loved ones who lost their battle. Cancer survivors (in my opinion, this definition fits you as soon as you are diagnosed with cancer!! No waiting for "remission" here!) are honored in the opening ceremony survivor lap. Another beautiful part of the Relay is the Luminaria Ceremony which is the candle lighting ceremony of hope in honor of or in memory of family members and friends.

Because the Relay is a 12-hour event (August 14th 7pm to August 15th 7am), each team is asked to have a representative on the track at all times during the event-including overnight. I'm screaming, "CAMP OUT TIME!!" We'll have sleeping bags, tons of sugary food to keep you awake, and maybe even a kiddy pool if its super hot so we can cool off:) You are NOT required to be there the entire 12 hours. We'll have each person sign up for a time slot and you'll only need to be there for your designated time, unless you just wanna hang out:) The survivor dinner is at 6pm, Opening Ceremonies start at 7pm, Luminaria Ceremony is at 9:30pm, and Closing Ceremonies at 6am.

Once you sign up, you will have your own Participant Relay Center online where you create your own personal Relay page and can send emails out to everyone you know to recruit or ask for people to support you. There is also a great Incentive Program for your fundraising efforts:)

To get started, register online by clicking HERE. If you are not interested in being part of the team, please consider supporting me by clicking HERE.

Cancer touches so many people in our lives-I've been a witness to that during my time of kicking cancer's booty-it affects every person in your life. Relay for Life is a great way to help fight this terrible disease. I greatly appreciate you considering joining me at the Relay, especially as part of the NWA Cancer Warriors. If you would like more information about the Relay, how it works, how to become a part of our team, or anything else, please let me know.

Thanks!!!

Cancer Resources

2009-06-21T13:49:00.002-05:00

So everytime I see a prayer request fly by for someone recently diagnosed with cancer, they become my new best friend. I know, I'm weird-blame it on the radiation:) But I am such a relational person that I know, for me at least, when I'm going thru something and have someone to talk to that is going/has gone through the same thing-wow its awesome!! Just knowing you aren't alone and knowing what you are feeling/thinking is "normal" and that you WILL survive!!!

So an excerpt of something I wrote to a recent fellow Cancer Butt Kickin Warrior Princess:

I was diagnosed with cervical cancer on April 3rd, underwent a radical
hysterectomy (means they remove EVERYTHING including parts of the vagina and lymph nodes) on April 28th and have daily radiation treatments until July
9th.

I remember how hard it was to even say the word "cancer" in association
with myself for the longest time. Its such a BIG scary word. Half the time
I felt like it was someone else going thru all this and I was watching a movie
or something-like I wouldn't let it sink in or be real. Other times I did
let it be real and I felt all that fear and overwhelming frustration with my
body.
I have two young children, one will be 3 years old next month and
the other just turned 6 months old. For the first few months I was unable
to lift anything over 10lbs-which they both are. It felt like death was
being shoved right in my face not being able to hold my babies. But I
never gave up hope, never stopped relying on prayer and put it hard in my heart
that God was NOT done with me! I never lost my faith-in fact I leaned on
it more than I ever have before in my life and I know its what got me through
this chaos.
It literally feels like the world just kind of stops for
you-the rest of the world keeps on living while you are forced to make the
cancer a HUGE part of your life because you have to fight it. It is
exhausting and there are days when I say, "I just want to be done already. I'm
sick of being the person with cancer." Then I realize that its a lifetime
thing-I'm always gonna wonder if this lil twinge or that lil pain is the cancer
coming back. BUT I can also always be so thankful that I'm HERE, I'm
alive, I have my husband and my babies, I have LIFE and I have God.
I've met so many truly amazing and beautiful people since my diagnosis and I hope you find the same. They have all been sooo supportive and just lifted me
up. COMPLETE strangers, sometimes even people sending anonymous emails,
just to let me know they are praying or thinking of me. THAT got me through it-I
couldn't let all those people down, I HAD to fight-if not for God, if not for
me, if not for my husband and babies-for all the people that took a few minutes
to pray for me.
It has been a very humbling experience. I'm not one to ask for help or lean on others at all-I mean its literaly a big deal for me to ask my husband to help me reach something (I'm not even 5ft tall so its something I NEED help with but I just grew up not relying on others and doing everything for myself so I suck at asking for help). But my body just cannot do daily stuff sometimes so when people emailed me asking to provide dinner for my family for a few months until I got back up to par, I had to put aside my pride. And honestly, I couldn't do it without them. There are days when I get home from radiation and I just have NO energy at all. The last thing I can waste my energy on is worrying about dinner-I want to spend my time loving on my babies, asking my husband how is day was or just being with them. Its been a lifesaver. Right after my surgery, my husband's two aunts came and stayed for a whole month!!! Another lifesaver since most of that month there were days when I couldn't stay awake and active for more than an hour before I was exhausted and had to rest. I'm NOT the kind of person that lets others come in and take over or help out, so that was hard and there were days when I just wanted everyone to go away and everything to be "normal".
Hope that helps and know that I'm here if ya need to vent or have any random questions. If you don't mind, I'm going to FWD your email address to a friend whom was also recently diagnosed with breast cancer. That way you'll have someone who actually has the same kind. There are days you'll want someone to talk to that is going thru the EXACT same thing and other days when you just want someone that understands how cancer changes your life. I'm keeping you tucked in my prayers!
And I ALWAYS send my loooooong list of cancer sites that I've fallen in love with-yep I'm an info junkie and instantly go to the internet to get facts. So my favs (in no particular order):
GENERAL CANCER SITES
American Cancer Society: http://www.cancer.org/docroot/home/index.asp
MD Anderson Cancer Center: http://www.mdanderson.org
Highlands Oncology Group (for NWA patients, also very resourceful for all): http://www.hogonc.com
Planet Cancer: http://planetcancer.org/html/index.php
Crazy Sexy Cancer (MUST read books!!): http://www.crazysexycancer.com
Cancer Online Resources (compilation of TONS of sites): http://www.acor.org/
Cancer Forums (online message boards): http://www.cancerforums.net/index.php
For Working Women: http://www.cancerandcareers.org/

CHRISTIAN SITES
Cancer & the Christian Life: http://www.middletownbiblechurch.org/christia/cancer.htm
Don't Waste Your Cancer (AWESOME article): http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/TasteAndSee/ByDate/2006/1776_Dont_Waste_Your_Cancer/

CERVICAL & GYN CANCER SITES
MD Anderson Cervical Cancer Treatment Guide (MUST read for cervical cancer patients and please share with your oncologist): http://utm-ext01a.mdacc.tmc.edu/mda/cm/cwtguide.nsf/luhtml/sidebar1
NARTI's info re: Cervical Cancer (NARTI is now Highlands Oncology Group): http://www.narti.org/Content.aspx?Section=typesofcancer&DocumentID=675
ACS's Cervical Cancer Guide (AWESOME): http://www.cancer.org/docroot/CRI/CRI_2x.asp?sitearea=&dt=8
Eyes on the Prize (GYN cancers): http://www.eyesontheprize.org/
Guide to Coping with GYN Cancer: http://www.cwhn.ca/gyn_cancer/index_gyn.html
Cervical Cancer Overview: http://www.gyncancer.com/cervix.html

God's Greatest Medicine

2009-06-08T11:38:00.003-05:00

We had a great weekend just hanging out and getting my energy back. I forgot how nice it was to feel semi-human:) I didn't realize how much the radiation had been zapping my energy and just making me feel like crud. Weekends are now just that much more appealing!!

God's Greatest Medicine=hanging out with my babies whom make my heart smile!!!

My sweet lil sunshine chica:) Daddy set up the water sprinkler outside so she could run thru it in her Little Mermaid swimsuit. That smile makes me feel so alive!!

PUSH PLAY

Anytime I'm feeling down or yukky, I just go play with Mr. Man and I forget about all the bad stuff:) Seriously, I could bottle up this giggle and sell it to hospitals for some mega bucks- but I think I'll just be a lil greedy and keep him:) (That's Gramma holding him-she rocked last week and came out to the house EVERY day to help out since I still can't lift the Chunkster)

This is the "Bette Bed"-its around the apple tree in our backyard and was started with the peace lilies that my grpa gave me on Mother's Day last year (our first one without my Nana whose name is Bette). Then I added some caladiums because Nana always had them in her front yard when I was little. I also planted something else that I honestly can't remember so we'll just have to wait til it pops up LOL Ben added the bench for me this Mother's Day-I LOVE it!!!! Bella's sandbox is on the far left side.

Papa's peace lilies

Pop (Ben's dad) added these while he was here after my surgery:)

The Fired OB

2009-06-08T10:49:00.003-05:00

Many people have either commented on the blog or emailed me regarding the OBGYN that I went to while I was pregnant with Hunter. While the paralegal in me would love to take her to court and let the attorneys tear it up, God has laid it heavy on my heart to just keep praying for her and for her patients. The paralegal in me also knows that it would be extremely unwise for me to mention her by name in a public forum such as this blog especially since there are people that do visit this blog that do happen to still be under this physician's care. If you would like more specific information (many have asked for the doctor's name so that they might avoid going to her clinic), please feel free to email me (themayquad@gmail.com) and I'll gladly share as much information as I can.

I've prayed about this long and hard, and God has just reminded me time and time again that all my energy right now needs to be focused on healing and keeping my strength focused on getting through radiation. Any energy I happen to have left over (oh I wish LOL), I want to save just for my babies and Ben. I already feel like they are getting the shaft big time when I can barely stay awake long enough for conversations after the kids go to bed, or energy during the day to play outside. I don't want to steal anymore from them and give it to worrying over a court case. When treatment is all completed and I get clear scans, I may consider finding an OBGYN trial expert to review my records and see if it would even be worth fighting, but I've been through a trial before-I've been that "victim/witness" on the stand that was torn to shreds by the defense attys and I saw what it did to my family as well. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy and definitely can't put my husband and kids through more than what they've already had to face through all of this. So its a big "We'll see", and until then, I'll just keep praying and being strong:)

God is good-we've got sunshine when its suppose to be storming!!!

TONS of Pics

2009-06-02T15:26:00.001-05:00

I FINALLY updated our family blog with a massive amount of pics

http://mayquad.blogspot.com

1 Down, 27 to Go!!!

2009-06-01T14:17:00.002-05:00

Well I officially survived my first radiation treatment today!!! Today was the longest because they had to line me up perfectly with the machine and then do Xrays so the oncologist could ok it. The actual treatment itself was only like 5 or 10 minutes and I didn't feel a thing. Pretty darn boring just trying to lay perfectly still on the hard table. The rest of this week I will go at 8:45 in the morning since Ben's mom will be here with the kids, and then starting next week I will go at 4:00 so Ben will be off work.

As of right now, I'm scheduled for 28 external treatments with the last one on July 9th (the day before Ben and I renew our vows LOL-totally a GOD thing!!). They said the oncologist might want to do a few more external ones and/or a few internal ones after he sees the post-treatment scans. I'll see the oncologist each Tuesday after treatment to track my progress and address any concerns. I have even more tattoos now-my stomach looks like a really messy dry erase board LOL

I'm going to post some new pics of the kiddos on the family blog (http://mayquad.blogspot.com) once I have a chance. I verrrry thankfully have some work to catch up on:)

Emotional Invasion

2009-05-22T14:15:00.002-05:00

I've been so exhausted and busy with doctor appts and just trying to make my body cooperate enough for some mama loving time that I haven't gotten to blog much lately... just real, authentic, transparent blogging-the good for the soul kind of stuff:) The kiddos are both down for naps (God performs such beautiful miracles!!!) and I took a LOOOONG nap this morning after both of them woke up at 5am (normally Ben takes his shower and then does kiddo duty before the 2nd string arrives but I got to pitch in this morning-giving MAJOR praises to whoever invented coffee!!) so I'm jumping at my chance:)

So we know I've got lymphovascular invasion and now stromal invasion but I've been having a bit of an emotional invasion lately. Sometimes they are emotions that I just don't really care too much for. I've had MAJOR awesome feelings of just loving God for all he has done to prepare us for this journey-that has never waivered, and in the dark moments when I feel it start to, I just throw in one of the amazing CDs that a beautiful friend made for me and I get pumped up again.

But lately I've got some anger going on. I don't like anger, its a waste of energy and most of the time totally unproductive. I use to be a VERY angry person-it just wasn't pretty and so I think part of me gets scared when I get angry that parts of that is coming back. I know better, I know anger can be healthy and its HUMAN for everyone to experience it.

Not once has my anger been directed at God. Even though sweet dear friends have given me permission to be downright pissed at him, I haven't. Instead, I'm just really darn mad at the cancer!! If I could see it face to face, I would probably haul off and smack it around a few times (hrmmm note to self-great visual to use during radiation!!). I also despise pity and when people throw themselves pity parties. Guess this comes from my mom telling me from the time I was young, "You are allowed -x amount of time- to wallow and then you have to dust your britches off and get going!" THANK YOU MAMA!! That is ONE thing I'll definitely pass on to my babies (yeah ok so 90% of the stuff I do with my babies is stuff that I once said, "When I have kids, I'll never..."). I am trying not to waller (love ya, Miss Jan!) and I definitely do NOT want a darn pity party but sometimes that anger just creeps up and I have to go ask Ben for a "Ben hug" (God's awesome medicine for just about anything) and sometimes use up a few wads of Kleenex.

What am I angry about? (I'm famous for lists LOL)

From the moment I was diagnosed, I hated the thought of my family having to experience all of this for one itty bitty nanosecond. If I could just go in, get the stupid cancer out and be done, that'd be perfect. But nope, we are a package deal and we go through the good, the bad and the downright ugly together. So that means Ben pretty much has to be a single parent at times-I can't lift anything over 10lbs and Hunter is quite the chunk-o-munk (we have devised a way that I can hold him and feed him-pure blissful Heavenly moments!!!). It means when the kids get up at 3am and I'm still dopey from pain meds that he has learned how to operate on zilch for sleep at work and still come home and manage to muster up energy to wrestle with Bella (she LOVES her Daddy afternoon time) and tickle Mr. Man with his whiskers. It means that my sweet little girl has alot more not so sweet moments lately. We're gonna have to retrain her how to be a 3yr old when its just us again-MAJOR attitude, more than just the normal toddler junk, and acting out alot, which is totally normal for a chica in her shoes. She cries, "My mama gone" anytime I go to the doctor, and begs through tears to sleep in mama's bed (we have held firm on this one!!!). It means potty training has totally been thrown out the window. No playgroups cuz I can't even begin to find the energy to get all 3 of us ready, out the door and still be awake to drive. I'm angry that my family has to miss out on life cuz of my stupid cancer-I know NOT my fault, I'm not doing that, but I'm still angry.
I really struggled before I was strong enough to hold Hunter and feed him. I honestly felt like I wasn't a mom anymore. I know being a mom is so much more than that and that they both still love me and see me as their one and only mama but somedays it just tore at my heart to not do my normal mom stuff.
I get upset when I am so exhausted that I can't even sit up any longer and have to call my mom to come help us get the kids to bed. I hate how this cancer just zaps my energy. I'm use to going going going-maybe this is God's lil HELLO WAKE UP you can slow down some:) hrmmm ok, thank you!!! got it:)
I'm angry that I lay in bed and worry that the chunk of cancer that is in my lymphovascular system is spreading, that its circulating through all my blood and is just in my body growing and getting stronger. I tell myself its the enemy sneaking into my thoughts but I know as a cancer survivor, I will probably live with that fear for the rest of my life-what if its still there, what if it comes back. I guess the fact that a test (pap smear) didn't pick it up in the first place sorta makes me leery of test results. I just have to put my trust in them and the Lord and know its just all part of the plan. Did I mention I'm a control freak? LOL
I'm angry that when its a beautiful day outside and I'd normally take Bella to the pool, I'll have to think twice. I can sit on the edge of the kiddy pool and push Hunter around in his baby float:) I think this summer I'll be the picture taking maniac and love watching Ben wrestle with Bella in the pool and just thank God that I have a husband who is such an amazing father.

LOL totally laughing at myself as I see while I write this blog, I'm finding the silver linings-God's sweet blessings, in each of my lil pity angry moments.

The pity I feel for my family-the anger that they have to go through this-I'm thanking God that I HAVE a family to go through this with me, and know that God is making all our bonds that much stronger as we each lean on one another and find new beautiful meanings to our love. Thanking God for our lil ooops baby that came just in the nick of time, and whose birth actually probably helped us find the cancer sooner rather than later. Thanking God for all the "2nd string" help we have had-from the delicious meals, to Ben's aunts and both our moms. Seriously I do NOT know how we could do it without each and everyone of you!!!

The pity/anger I feel over not being able to do my normal mama stuff-thanking God for blessing me with my babies and being able to be their mama. They make it SOOOO fun!!! They are our greatest blessings and I cherish them and our moments together every single day. Ben reminds me, "Yep, it sucks right now but at least you are HERE, you are alive, and you are getting stronger every day and you'll be HERE for all the great memories and soon enough you'll be exhausted from all the mama stuff again." Thank you Lord for my beautiful husband!!!

Thank you God for showing me I don't have to be going going going-I might miss out on something like picnics in the front yard, or watching my babies splash together in the bathtub, or my husband gently putting ointment on my shark bite (my loverly surgery scar LOL). Thank you God for all of this-even the cancer, because it has brought such beautiful changes and I know after my body has totally kicked cancer to Never Never Land, I'll be that much stronger and that much closer to you. Funny how angry ol me who wasn't gonna throw herself a pity party (HAHA fooled myself at least), ended up throwing you that many more praises. Thanks for shining your big ol light when I get a little lost.

Radiation Gameplan

2009-05-19T16:30:00.003-05:00

I will be undergoing external beam radiation therapy to the pelvic region. VERRRRRY thankful that I do NOT have to do brachytherapy which is inserting cartridges internally. It will be 5 days per week for 5 weeks. I have my mapping CT scan tomorrow morning so I'm hoping and praying we can get started next week-I'm ready!!!!

Final path results which determined need for radiation therapy:

Cancer went 11mm deep and this ended up being greater than 2/3 of the total cervical tissue (figured as much since it probably started growing when I was 18 wks pregnant with Hunter if not before... he is now 5 months old so thats quite a while to grow. Choosing to pray for the doctor that saw this growth at 18wks, ignored it, along with all my bleeding throughout the entire pregnancy and ignored it during my 6wk post-partum appt as well as brushed off bleeding heavily continuously by the time Hunter was 4 months old. Also praying for ALL of her patients that have no clue what type of doctor they are dealing with. Unfortunately my medical records from her office have been clearly altered to show absolutely no mention of the polyp, no bleeding during the pregnancy-barely mentions my various hospitalizations or ER trips, and nothing post-partum. It does show that the records from each of those visits had been electronically opened during the past week which confirms this. So just giving her and all her patients over to God because there is no more I can do with it at this point.)
Cancer had invaded the lymphovascular system.
Cancer was 3.3cm in diameter.... 4cm is considered large, so it was "large" but much closer to large than small.

I'm at peace with this and just ready to get going. Radiation has been shown to reduce the chance of recurrence in half so I'm game!!!!

I'm exhausted (think all the time in the sun the past two days has just depleted any energy I had). I won't be able to spend much time in the sun nor will I be able to swim until my radiation areas have healed. Not exactly great timing for that since both kiddos thrive outside and Bella has a blast at the pool but we'll figure it out as we go:)

Love ya! D

Radiation Update

2009-05-12T18:14:00.002-05:00

Met with the radiation oncologist this afternoon-most definitely my fav doctor so far!! He is incredibly smart and does not even think about leaving the room til he has asked at least 3 times if we have any more questions-MAJOR points in my book!!

There is alot more we know and alot we still don't know (told Ben I'm gonna become a professional wait-er and make millions!!).

What we DO know (best listed first):

I'm still stage 1B1-awesome news!!
Pathology on lymph nodes all came back BEAUTIFUL and clear!
Pathology on all the organs removed came back BEAUTIFUL and clear!! (except the obvious cancer in the cervix)
Size of lesion was 3.3cm
Lesion went 11mm into the cervical tissue
Clear margins-AWESOME!!
No parametrial involvement
There was lymphovascular invasion (UGH I am NOT liking this "invasion" word... gonna have to come up with a prettier term!). This means that the cancer was found to have started moving into the vascular system. In layman's terms, there are all kinds of tubes coming off the cervix. Each tube also has little knobs (aka lymph nodes). Basically its like plumbing-the tube has started to get clogged with some cancer but they don't know if any of it broke off and has gone further into the blood system or if its just a small clog. I do NOT like this one iota cuz I just sit there and think, "Ok so if it is in the vascular system in that area, and blood runs all thru my body via the vascular system, what is stopping it from going all over the place?" Answer-we don't know. PET scan and CT scan didn't show anything.

What we do NOT know:

Stromal invasion: we know how deep into the cervix tissue the cancer went (11mm) BUT we do not know what percentage of the total cervical tissue it comprised. In other words, if my cervical tissue was 22mm thick and the cancer went 11mm deep into it, then it took up 50%. Dr. Smith was going to call the pathologist and get them to do more research and determine how much total cervical tissue there was, so we can find out the percentage.

What all this means as far as radiation gameplan:

There are 3 criteria that they use to determine if women with stage 1B1 cervical cancer who have had a radical hysterectomy need to have radiation therapy. If a woman meets 2 of the 3, then radiation is recommended:

Lymphovascular invasion-I have
Size-the criteria they use is 4cm=large. Mine was 3.3cm so it was not "large" but closer to large than small or even medium. So kind of a half point for that one.
Stromal invasion-if the cancer's depth into the cervical tissue is more than 1/3 the total depth.... this is the part we don't know yet.

Sooooo Dr. Smith is hoping to get the further path results back in the next few days, will review my case with his entire team of colleagues on their regular Thursday meeting, and then I call him on Monday to determine where we go from here. If we are going with radiation, it will start immediately per his recommendation, will luckily only be external and will be 5 days a week for 5 weeks. Each treatment takes less than 20 minutes and luckily I can do it in the Bentonville office. Most likely I will go up there around 4:00 and take the kids, Ben can meet us there when he gets off, take the kids home and I can get my treatment and head home in time for dinner:) Side effects are fatigue (my constant companion), increased frequency urinating (another companion I already have-gotten kinda use to that having been pregnant, recovering from CSection, pregnant again, another CSection, and then hysterectomy.... you come to appreciate catheters LOL), and loose stools (TMI, but at this point that would be a welcomed relief!!!). He said my blood counts will drop around 6wks after treatment so we'll have to keep a close eye on that since I'm anemic already-knowing me I'll just faint alot and have to eat extra salty foods-no biggie. BEST side effect-cuts chances of recurrence in half!!!!

eeeek "Super Bella" (naked, post-bath Bella running thru house with her hooded towel aka cape on) screaming for mama... more later

FINALLY an Update:)

2009-05-06T14:53:00.002-05:00

Sorry for being a slacker-I've been a bit drugged, exhausted and sore (and slightly unmotivated LOL)... BUT I got my catheter and staples removed yesterday so today is a new SUNNNNNNNY day!!!

Overview of the week:

Surgery Day-Don't remember too much (thanking God for making our brains be protective of memories that aren't too beautiful). We got to the hospital super early and I was sent back to do all the final pre-op fun stuff (IV, lovely blood clot prevention hose-everyone should get a pair!!, and in my pretty surgery garb). They let my family come back and give me loves before they wheeled me off to LaLa land. The last thing I remember is the anesthesiologist telling me they were giving me something in my IV that would make me relax and then they'd give me the heavy duty stuff in the OR. Obviously relaxed me ALOT because I don't remember the rest:) Luckily I don't remember waking up because apparently it wasn't pretty-they had to heavily sedate me because I wasn't handling the pain very well (told ya I was a wuss!!).

Poor Ben and my mom were about to rip the walls down. My surgery lasted less than 3 hours and the doctor came out to give them a great report and said they would get to see me in about an hour. 4 hours later they finally moved me to back to Pre-Op so they could see me. I remember the nurse saying, "We're going to let your mom and husband in to see you because we can't hold them back anymore." and I thought, "Well I don't care if they see me in a hospital gown-they've seen me in worse." thinking that they were worried about privacy (good drugs).

Apparently I decided to be Miss Independent and refuse nurses' help and moved myself from the operating gurney to my hospital room bed LOL:) I slightly remember that-I wasn't in any pain and saw no reason for them to need to help me. Definitely not having any trouble with the pain at that point!!!

The rest of the hospital time is kind of fuzzy and all sort of runs together. I remember the nurses coming in after my mom and Ben had left for only a few minutes and they got me moved to the chair-I bawled because I got lightheaded and was scared because Ben wasn't there and the nurses just left the room. Gotta love the immediate menopause hormones!!!

My family was SOOOOOO awesome!! They fought off the mean nurses, rallied around the nice ones, kept my ice chip cups full, and always made sure my gown was closed in the back when we went for walks. I was on the floor with the geriatric patients so I had races with all the old men:) I was so blessed to never have a moment where I was left alone (other than a few tiny minutes when people needed food breaks)-my family was great. I was surrounded by Ben, my mom, Papa (and I KNOW Nana was in the room every single day!! Handing out gold stars to the good nurses), my dad, Ben's mom, my babies each day, and my bestest Aly who came up from Texas to be my awesome nurse (LOVE YOU forever my friend!!!), and awesome awesome awesome visitors and sweet phone calls (once they finally put a phone in my room). Thank you everybody that came to see me and my family, and kept our room alive:)

My doctor came to check on me each morning with his sweet nurse and came in on Wednesday with awesome news-my path reports all came back CLEAR!!!! No cancer in the lymph nodes:) He was worried because one of the lymph nodes was inflamed but was happy to report NADA!!!! He also felt my liver and other organs and said everything felt great!!!! PRAISE GOD!!! Thank you for the prayers felt from everyone-we did it!

Ben's aunts and dad have been here this week helping us keep the fort running (my mom and Ben's mom, and his other two aunts kept it running last week and did an awesome job-it was so peaceful knowing I didn't have to have a single worry while I was gone), and we've been so blessed that they will be here for the remainder of the month!! I'm still not able to pick up Mr. Chunky Pants (my boy grew while I was gone!! And seriously, 10x more handsome-as if that was even possible!!!) and my lil angel diva is too busy for this gimp so its wonderful to have all the extra hands and know I can take the time I need to heal. Thank you again to everyone that has been bringing meals-they have been soooo delicious and fill our tummies!!!

I have my post-op appointment with the radiation oncologist on the 12th to review any possible radiation gameplan (at this point it will most likely be sweet and short to just ensure we zap every single cancer cell that could possibly be hiding anywhere, and then prevention since the radiation will cut the recurrence rate by 50%-I'm game!!!). My post-op appt with the GYN oncologist (my surgeon) is the 28th. I was thankful to get rid of my "zipper" (staples) and "tubies 'n' bag" (my catheter) yesterday-moving around ALOT easier, and Bella even said today, "YAY no more bag for Mama!!!!" She is my little sunshine through it all and Mr. Man never stops smiling-the good Lord knew exactly what we needed when he blessed us with these babies!! Ms. Thang keeps us on our toes and doesn't allow any wallowing (everyone needs an anti-wallowing princess in their lives!!!) and Handsome Boy wakes up with a smile that takes up his whole face and doesn't stop til he decides there is a tiny speck of empty spot in his tummy that must be fed faster than pronto:) Its going to be a beautiful Mother's Day this year-thanking God for all the mama joy he has given me and my family.

Gonna go soak up some sun with my lil miss!

Praise & Adios

2009-04-26T15:57:00.002-05:00

Giving HUGE praises to God for bringing all the awesome people into our lives over the past few weeks that have really touched our hearts and kept us going:

Our Mamas-we couldn't have gotten this far without either of you (and your wonderful dish washing, laundry folding, baby feeding, Bella entertaining, all around awesome Mom-ness!!!)
Our Family-thank you for surrounding us with your love, support and prayers!!! We are SOOOOO blessed!!!
The Aunts-Stacy & Jessafern for the awesome Cancer Warrior Goodies (I'm wearing my shirt on Tuesday!), Annette, Bessie & Betty for making the trip up here to be with the monkeys on surgery day, and Carolyn & Joyce for all the fun I know we'll have in the aftermath (ok so I might be a drugged up bed sloth but at least I'll know that my kiddos are getting all kinds of love)
Fellowship Elders-for rallying the troops and all of your amazing blessings-especially being anointed and prayed over (THAT was overwhelmingly awesome!!!)
Kelly B-for being God's beautiful servant and performing miracles (90 meals in 24 hours-the chica has God in her pocket!!!), and for all your sweet emails
For everyone that has brought DELICIOUS meals to our family-we have gone to bed every night with tummies full of scrumptious meals and gotten to meet some really great people!!
For Ms. Kathy, all her love and wisdom, and bringing us together to share this journey that we never imagined we'd be on-love ya beautiful lady and I KNOW we're gonna do some MAJOR cancer conquering this week!!
For all the complete strangers that have wrapped us up in some BIG BIG BIG love and prayers-I hope one day we can have a big BBQ and all our families can meet and rejoice:)
For giving me the absolutely, top notch, no one else could ever even attempt to come close, wonderful husband!!! Thank you for being my rock and keeping this fort going!! Thanks for being YOU
To my sweet babies, I'm gonna miss ya like crazy this week but Mama will be back on that floor playing and chasing you outside before ya know it:) I can't wait!!!!

I get to have a fun day in the bathroom tomorrow so I'm guessing I won't be on again before surgery. I've got an email for Ben to send out to everyone after my surgery is done to let you know that everything went just PERFECT:) If you haven't received emails from me before (I think everyone on the email list previously received the "PET Scan Results" email) and would like to be included in that email, please send me an email to themayquad@gmail.com before Monday afternoon and I'll get ya squeezed in there:) Thank you everybody that reads this and keeps me going-I'm glad I'm getting to share this journey with you even if its not nearly over.

Surgery is scheduled for 7:30am (CT) on Tuesday at Washington Regional Medical Center in Fayetteville. We get to arrive at 5am (not sure if I'll even attempt to sleep Monday night). Surgery is expected to last 3-4 hours. Everyone will be on the 2nd floor if you would like to visit with Ben or our family (kiddos will be at home). I'm guessing I won't be able to have visitors til later that afternoon or evening-just check with the nurses on the 2nd floor and they should be able to tell you. I'm hoping to escape on Thursday:) (My drill sergeant mom will be there having me walk the halls before the anesthesia even wears off so I'm pumped to get back in my own bed with my little people ASAP!!)

Love ya and adios for now!

PET Scan Results

2009-04-23T21:32:00.001-05:00

Shows "no evidence of metastatic growth"-it hasn't spread!!! WOOOOOOO Your prayers are working!

He Provides

2009-04-22T21:57:00.000-05:00

My Facebook status from a few days ago read, "God never promised we would be exempt from pain, but he did promise we would never have to walk through the pain of this life alone." I got this from one the books I bought at Skia on our last date day (the day after "D Day"). It's "I Need Your Strength, Lord" by Emilie Barnes. DEFINITELY on the recommend list:)

Five years ago, I would have been SOOOO angry at God-a God that I didn't really even have any type of relationship with. I was a believer... believed there was a God, that Heaven exists, and would even pray for others (and somehow even gave thanksgiving for the blessings in my life). But I definitely hadn't started any type of walk with him. The concept of having a relationship with God was foreign to me-actually, non-existent since I had no clue that concept even existed. I just knew Jesus loves me because thats what the song said. But if I had been diagnosed with cancer 5 years ago, I would have blamed God and asked, "What kind of God can do this?!?!" In fact, those were my exact thoughts when I walked out of the alley where I was raped. Thank the Lord that he loves us regardless of how many times we reject him or point the finger at him. It was because of him that I walked away from that alive and I know that one day I'll be able to use my story of survival to touch others' lives. If I hadn't survived, I never would have moved back "home" (which became NW Arkansas while I was in college in WI), and I never would have met Ben. I'm so thankful for all the curveballs that God has thrown to get me where I am today!!

My relationship with Jesus started right as my grma (see the geese story) was dying. She had been my rock- for those that watch Grey's Anatomy, she was my person. She was the epitomy of what a Nana is suppose to be. I LOVED spending the night at her house, waking up to her French toast (no one can even come close!), her back scratches, and as I grew older, the person that helped make me who I am today, the person I ran to when it was ugly and when it was pretty, the person that constantly reminded me that I am beautiful inside and out. She demonstrated along with my Papa what a marriage is suppose to look like. We talked on the phone at least 3 times a day every day. She lived 1.3 miles from me in Bella Vista, and was at every single OBGYN appt with me when I was pregnant with Bella. She had been sick for a long time and in immense pain. I remember praying on that last Monday, "Lord, please just hold your arms wide open and let her know the pain can finally end." God had put me in a bible study at Fellowship with some amazing women that came along beside me during that unimaginable grief (just plain physically HURT) and let me know how beautiful a relationship with God is, and it just opened my heart to him and lit that desire to know him.

Fastforward a few months to April 2008, I was on birth control-had been since I gave birth to Bella. OUR plan was to start trying for numero dos in the fall. Thankfully God's plan is powerful!!! We became pregnant with Hunter totally unexpected but we took it as a "Nana & God thing". Her favorite holiday was always Christmas-it seemed like she spent the entire month of December baking and decorating and man did she make it awesome every single year. My due date.... Christmas Day. Definitely a touch of Nana in that one!!! And now we know, God most definitely had this as part of this huge plan for us... walking us in everything we've been thru up to today, preparing us for what we are facing.

God blessed us with a beautiful baby boy on December 12.

He entered the world in quite the dramatic fashion including the OB on call having to be paged "stat" because Hunter was in distress and needed to be delivered immediately. I even got the pleasure of riding down the hallways of NWMC on a gurney on all fours-how many people can say that?!? LOL God knew what lied ahead for our family and he laid in our arms a baby that is so insanely laid back (doesn't mind at all when Princessa Bella demands more attention-he just chills and waits patiently), so incredibly happy (at 1 week old, he started what the "sleepy grin" where he would have a grin that took up his entire face as soon as he doze off, and now cracks up laughing all day long-God's greatest medicine!!),

and totally outside of what I had planned-would rather eat from a bottle than Mama (definitely God's hand in that one-Bella nursed for 15 months and refused bottles).

God knew exactly what we needed before we even knew what we'd be facing. He made the most amazing, loving, understanding, affectionate, supportive husband just for me-one that would be a rock from the very beginning (how many guys do you know that would stick with it when he knew I was a rape survivor AND suffered a grand mal seizure and couldn't drive myself for 6 months?!?! most would run the opposite direction faster than pronto)

and has grown into what every mom can ever dream of having as the father of their children (I could seriously write a novel of all the ways he has just totally stepped up and been the man that God created him to be).

He provided us with a home and jobs in NW Arkansas so we could have our families (both sides!) close to us. He led us back to Fellowship so we could re-ignite our relationship with God, have him become the 3rd person in our marriage, and surround us with the most loving and supportive people ever. He gave us 2 gorgeous children that we both absolutely adore and they just light up the lives of everyone they come in contact with. He gave us these children before the ability to have anymore would be taken away.

I've been to so many doctor appts, scans, tests, pre-op visits over the past few weeks, and every single time I hear, "You are so young and this is just horrible. How can you not be terrified?" My response, "I have absolutely nothing to fear. God is already healing me and has completely wrapped his arms around me and my family. God is using what would typically be considered a horrific situation to show us his love and all the awesome ways he has already worked in our lives, and opening an incredible amount of doors for us to use this as a way to touch other peoples' lives. And even if its part of his plan that his purpose for me here on earth has been completed, then I get to go to Heaven and meet him face to face-how awesome is that!!! Even the worst case scenario is totally beautiful so there is nothing to fear." I'll probably never see any of them ever again so I'll never know if what I say brings them to Christ but I know it touches their hearts and they will remember it.

On Monday night, I had the awesome opportunity to meet with the Elders of our church. They anointed me with oil and prayed over me-it was truly just the most awesome thing I've ever experience that I can't even describe it. Later that evening after Ben got home we were sitting in bed talking about it and we both had the exact same story. We both felt an immediate peace after the prayers were said. We both silently prayed, "Please Lord just heal, just take this cancer away and amaze the doctors." We both were greeted with the Holy Spirit telling us, "Why are you praying this still? ITS ALREADY DONE." We were in separate cars, going different places when this happened and had no clue until we shared later that evening. THAT has given us both so much peace going into next week's surgery.

We're also stoked about going to "The Well" on Sunday night at Fellowship so we can just get completely filled to the brim with the Spirit and God's love and just worship him and remind ourselves that he gets all the glory through all of this. I'm excited to just get totally pumped going into next week-thanks God for awesome timing:)

PS-I'll update tomorrow after I hear the results of the PET scan!

Hunter's Scare

2009-04-20T15:09:00.002-05:00

Hunter sustained a mild head injury this morning while we were having lunch at McDonald's. He was in his carrier when a kid ran by and bumped it hard enough to send him flying and he landed on his head. I went into mama bear freak out mode and got both kids in the car and to the ER at NW (made it from McD's on Walnut to NW in less than 10 minutes-gotta love the center turn lane in Arkansas!!!). He checked out ok with the doctors, was responsive but kept going back and forth between screaming at the top of his lungs to being super asleep which kind of scared me but the doctor reassured us that he was fine and that we needed to keep a very close eye on him for the next few days. UGH scary!!! I think my heart is still beating fast.

We will be going to the Elders' Meeting at church tonight where they will pray over us and anoint me with oil-very excited about this!!! Please pray that God's plan does not include any more stress for the remainder of this week.... they might just have to pull out the straight jacket for me:)

Have you seen my Nana lately?

2009-04-17T16:01:00.003-05:00

On January 14, 2008, my Nana became pain-free for eternity. My mom, aunt and myself were able to spend the entire day with her and it was so beautiful. I wasn't able to be there when she took her last breaths and after I gave her a last hug, I kind of lost it. I went into the waiting area and bawled my eyes out. Then I heard her say, "It's ok. I AM OK. I'm not hurting anymore. Its ok, you'll be ok, Sweetie. I love you." The tears stopped, I got up and went to be with my family. I felt so at peace knowing she was in Heaven, never to feel pain ever again. My mom threw a bit of a hissy fit because everyone else had been getting "signs" that Nana was ok. I kept telling her she wasn't looking hard enough or it would come, just wait. I was able to convince her to come with me to Grief Share at Fellowship. It was the night to share our stories of our loved ones and my mom was not too thrilled. As the first person started their story, a flock of geese flew over the building-a LOUD flock of geese, as in we could barely even hear the lady speaking!! My mom burst into tears and whispered to me, "That's my Mama!!" Nana LOVED geese! Ever since then, anytime we see geese, we say, "Hi, Nana! I love you!" I know, silly but its our thing and makes our hearts smile.

Since my diagnosis, I have been a magnet for geese! Seriously... the afternoon of my diagnosis, as we were pulling out of the parking lot at NW, the geese were waddling to the pond across the street. The Sunday after my diagnosis, Ben and I were pretty weepy on the way to church. I gasped as I saw 2 geese in the median of 540 in Bentonville-WHEN has that ever happened?!?! In Bella Vista, yes... but in B'ville in the median of the interstate?!?! Two geese nearly dive-bombed my van as I was driving away from my CT scan on Tuesday.

I've had some bad pity party moments where all I want is my Nana to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. I AM amazingly blessed with an awesome support system-my family, my friends, my church family, complete strangers that visit my blog (I LOVE your comments and prayers!!!), but some days I just want my Nana. She was the person that would tell me how beautiful I am when I was feeling unloveable. She would call me every day to tell me what I great mom I am when I doubted myself the most. She would sit next to me and just hold my hand so I would never doubt for a second that she loved me and would always be there. So on my cruddy days when I'm just darn sick of having cancer invade my body, it is nice when geese show themselves to me in their funny little ways. Thank you God for creating geese, especially the loud ones, and allowing them to be seen on the days I need them most!!!

Interesting Fact re: Pap & Cervical Cancer

2009-04-16T20:50:00.001-05:00

It is known that about 10% of women with an obvious cancer of the cervix will have a Pap test that is essentially normal. This is because there is so much inflammation and dead cell debris that it masks the cancer cells.

Source: http://www.gyncancer.com/cervix.html

Hrmmm so maybe I am "normal" after all... LOL

PET scan rescheduled

2009-04-16T12:17:00.002-05:00

PET scan has been rescheduled to Tuesday (21st) because "the machine is not working". Oh well... now I can eat:)

CT Scan Results

2009-04-15T14:39:00.003-05:00

Chest x-ray came back perfect-YAY!!! Thank you, God:)

CT scan shows a 7mm on my liver. They are unsure if it is "suspicious" and will have to wait until the surgeon is able to view it during surgery. They said 7mm is considered very small and might not even be anything (IMO-I have cancer, ANY spot, no matter how big or small NEEDS to be investigated and EVICTED faster than pronto!!!!). Dr. Hightower's office called and said, "We can just repeat the CT in 3 months." UMMM NO!!! Taking the whole "wait and see" approach is what got me in this mess in the first place. Ain't happening with this body anymore! Dr. Smith's office said that Dr. Hightower will be able to look at it closer during surgery and hopefully biopsy it to determine if its a problem spot and then we can zap it with radiation.

I had a moment today on the phone with my brother after hearing the results where I just said, "I'm SO ready for this junk to be OUT of my body!!! I'm sick of it being in there and growing and being places it doesn't need to be. I want it out NOW!!" I'm just trying to be thankful that my chest x-ray was clean, especially since my lungs are already not all that great with my asthma.

I have my PET scan tomorrow in Fayetteville at 3:30 (can't eat or drink anything other than plain water after 930am). Please pray I don't go bonkers from starving (gonna eat a nice big breakfast!!!) and that it comes back clear!!!

4/14 Update

2009-04-14T20:08:00.003-05:00

Today was a LOOOONG one but good:) I had my chest x-ray and CT scan this morning... nothing too exciting and I survived!! The CT scan makes you feel like you are peeing your pants when the contrast is injected LOL I should be able to call the oncologist's nurse tomorrow morning and get the results from those. Pray for clear and pretty:)

Then I had the fun experience of going to DHS and got a run around regarding Medicaid eligibility under the new Arkansas law that covers women diagnosed with breast or cervical cancer regardless of income (basically picks up the part that isn't covered by insurance). They told me that I had to go to the Health Dept-sounded crazy to me but they refused to talk to me so I went. Health Dept of course laughed and said, "WHY do they keep sending ya'll here?!?!" but luckily they were nice enough to give me the number to Breast Care which is the program that covers breast and cervical cancer. I should hear back in 3-5 days if I get approved. Just thought I'd throw that out there as an FYI to anyone who may have breast or cervical cancer.

I had my 2nd opinion appt with Dr. Smith at Highlands Oncology and I'm SOOOO glad I went!!! He reassured me that Dr. Hightower is DEFINITELY the guy that needs to do my surgery and that if it were his wife in my shoes, he'd send her to Dr. Hightower. He said I could forgo surgery and just do radiation and chemo but also said he completely understands my desire to just get it all out to avoid future problems, and agrees with Dr. Hightower's gameplan. He said it would probably be best to go ahead and have some radiation after the surgery as it decreases the chance of recurrence in half!! I'm there-sign me up! I want this junk out and I am not letting it back in!!! He said it would most likely be 5 days a week for 5 weeks but that they would determine all of that after they see what is found in my surgery.

The only point he disagreed with Dr. Hightower on was the hormone replacement therapy. He agreed with me that there is a need for it and no reason to be miserable when there is something out there that can help ease the menopause symptoms that I'll immediately face after surgery. He said especially at my age when my body would normally be producing hormones on its own. So I have an appt with the GYN LPN that originally found my cancer on the 21st to discuss the various options on that. In regards to HRT increasing the chances of breast cancer, its less than 2% and pretty much if you are going to get breast cancer, you'll get it regardless of whether you do HRT or not. High five to him on that one!!

He gave us a more detailed explanation as to why Dr. Hightower would want to stop surgery if he were to find that the cancer had spread further than my cervix once he opens me up. He said that they need as big of a target to pinpoint for radiation so leaving everything in there gives them a nice, big area to hit and then they can go in after radiation and do the hysterectomy-kinda seems counter-productive but in the end it works the best and they have the best results. Hearing it from two experts made me feel better about it so I'm game on that.

He did say that I DEFINITELY need to have a PET scan. Basically a CT scan highlights any tumors, while a PET scan will highlight actual cancer cells so while the cancer cells might not have grown a tumor yet, they will still show up. He said he always likes to have that information before treatment so he knows exactly what he is dealing with-which is what I've wondered all along-why wait til you have me opened up to determine where all the cancer is?!?! So he ordered a PET scan and his office will be calling in the next day or so to schedule it. That will be done at their Fayetteville office. He said if nothing else, it will give everyone a peace of mind before heading into surgery.

I REALLLLLLY liked him!! He stayed in the room until we were absolutely positive we had no more questions (asked like 10 times before he left-YAY). He explained the whole radiation process and what treatments they do for cervical cancer, which I can have done in the Bentonville office. And he answered every single question we had. He is really confident that the cancer will be confined to my cervix and it'll be gone with surgery and a little radiation. I'm definitely feeling more confident about the surgery and Dr. Hightower after today.

Sooooo.......

Tomorrow (15th)-call Highlands Oncology to get x-ray and CT results. Have a beautiful class at Fellowship and then get chica's hair cut (she is looking pretty ragged!!!).

Hopefully have PET scan on Thursday or Friday.

Tuesday (21st) is my GYN LPN appt re: HRT and then my pre-op appt at WRMC.

Wednesday (22nd)-bible study

Thursday (23rd)-Bella's doctor appts (ENT post-op follow up and new allergy doc)

FUN FUN FUN FUN weekend-pray for awesome kite flying weather!!! I'm determined to take my chica to fly a kite before my surgery:) She is soooo enthralled with kites lately yet never actually flown one.

Monday (27th)-the troops start arriving and I get to do "Bowel Prep".... yep should be ooodles of fun!!!
Tuesday (28th)-surgery, have to be at WRMC at 5am (EEEEEEK) and surgery is at 7:30am, approx 3 hours
Wednesday (29th)-hospital, my bestest friend in the whole world arrives to kick my booty outta that bed!!!

Hunter had his 4mo check up today. Daddy got his first experience of baby shots:( He did awesome though (Daddy... baby just cried a bit). Hunter is 13lbs 4oz (25%) and 24.5 inches (40%). YAY for Chubs!!!! She said he is doing great... gotta do some more tummy time but otherwise looks awesome:)

Care Calendar

2009-04-13T14:05:00.003-05:00

God has blessed us with an amazing family, terrific friends, a beautiful community group, and the absolutely awesomestestestest church family!!! I have gotten to know (though not yet personally meet) so many great people over the past week through the many prayers at Fellowship. God is definitely using my cancer to bring together people that probably might not have ever gotten the chance to meet-it will NOT be wasted!!!

One of God's awesome angels is Kelly. She managed to organize over 90 meals to be delivered to my family in less than 24 hours!!! Only an awesome woman with God behind her could manage that kind of miracle:) AND I get to meet her for the first time EVER this evening-and two of her beautiful girls!! (I had been secretly hoping to meet her girls but didn't want to be greedy since she had already gone WAY above and beyond anything that anyone could ever imagine-I know Bella is going to fall in love with them and I'm sure Mr. Man will shower them with his flirty smile and hilarious old man chuckle!!!) I promise to try and remember to pull out my camera and at least get some shots of the kiddos.

One of the great things Kelly has done is create a Care Calendar-my kinda chica, VERY organized:) This allows her to post the days that are up for grabs to have meals delivered, as well as any other needs (childcare, errands, transportation, etc.) while we are focusing on conquering my cancer. Its been awesome so far because I can put in there the dates of my surgery, when we'll have extra mouths to feed at the house while we have family here to help out, etc. SOOOO for everyone that has asked HOW they can help and for some crazy reason want to do more than pray (which means the world and has totally lifted our family up and kept us encouraged over the past week), here is the place to go:

http://www.carecalendar.org
Calendar ID is 14895
Security Code is 7022

I've also posted the link and codes at the top right corner of the blog in case you want to check back later. The calendar goes through the end of August but hopefully I will get a perfect bill of health at my post-op appointment in May and can say "STOP!!!" :) Never thought I would pray to be able to scream "STOP" at the top of my lungs towards people helping my family-but I'll be thankful for the day when we have totally conquered this disease and can take our turns at helping someone else.

HUGE HUGS, PRAYERS, PRAISE TO GOD, and THANKS to EVERYONE who has already become a "Helper" and to everyone who is praying!!! Your love, support and faith is overwhelming and is exactly what will get us all through this:) I'll never be able to thank you each enough or give God enough praise, but I WILL so much look forward to the opportunity to serve when its our turn.

Beautiful Week

2009-04-11T16:15:00.005-05:00

All in all, despite all the craziness, we really had a beautiful week. It was a LOOOOONG one-seemed like Thursday would never get here, and I didn't get to do HALF the stuff I had planned to do with Bella and Hunter for Easter (no bunny pics!!!) but we survived and are going strong!

My Aunt Stacy and cousin Jessica (aka Jessafern) came down for spring break and brought all kinds of awesome cervical cancer awareness goodies, as well as some AWESOME shirts...

Stacy's shirt says, "This is not my niece who has cancer. This is my niece Danielle, the Cancer Warrior"

My cancer warrior hat and shirt, and cervical cancer awareness angel pin

Jessafern's shirt says, "This is not my cousin Danielle who has cancer. This is my cousin Danielle, the Cancer Warrior"

We all wore our cancer getup (along with Ben in his "Cancer Sucks" shirt) to Maria's for dinner!

k so my pictures are out of order.... Saturday we had Easter at my mom's....

Bella hunting with her frilly princess basket from Nana

Gotta be fast-those eggs might get away from ya!!!

Playing with her Go Fishing game from Nana (I had one of those when IIIII was little LOL)

Hunter with his Easter bunny

Checking out her goodies with Trace

Thursday morning we decided to go for a FUN morning (and comic relief) at the Wild Wilderness Drive Thru Safari in Gentry. It was an awesome morning-pouring down rain when we left the house, sprinkling as we drove thru the safari and then completely stopped raining and beautiful skies when it was time for the petting zoo part. God DOES answer prayers (even if they are "God, please give us a beautiful morning so my baby can have fun with goats chasing her around" LOL)

She fell in love with one particular baby goat and chased it all over

Hunter checking out the crazy birds

Crazy bird attacking my window!!!

Howdy!!!

Beautiful peacock

I'll post all the pictures from Easter and Safari on the family blog

http://mayquad.blogspot.com

Moving Along

2009-04-10T15:39:00.002-05:00

YAY Oncologist's nurse called today and she already had all my testing and pre-op appts made!! I was very excited because she said she probably wouldn't get to it until Monday afternoon:)

CT & Xray scheduled for Tuesday morning @ NWMC
Pre-Op @ WRMC scheduled for April 21st

I also got a 2nd opinion appt scheduled with Dr. Smith at Highlands Oncology for Tuesday afternoon. (Amy-he did his residency at Texas-MUST be good!!!)

I'm ready to kick this thing to the curb!! I've been having ALOT of really bad lower back pain. I'll lay down and take a nap and feel ok when I wake up but the minute I sit up it returns. The exhaustion is getting kinda old too-its an exhaustion like I've never felt before, sleeping doesn't make it any better. This afternoon I've also been having a lot of pain in my lower left abdomen/pelvic area. I don't like this part of actually FEELING sick-I didn't FEEL sick for so long. Trying to remember to be thankful that its only stage 1B1 and keep a positive mindset. Please pray for a pain free Easter weekend so I can have a blast watching my baby chase eggs tomorrow and enjoy a beautiful service on Sunday.

Hope everyone has a beautiful Easter~He was born so He could die for us.

Oncologist Appt Update

2009-04-09T20:39:00.002-05:00

AWESOME news-greatest news we could have possibly gotten other than "oh its not cancer" LOL

It is stage 1B1!!!! This means the cancer can be seen without a microscope and is not larger than 4 centimeters, and is found in the cervix ONLY!!!! This is only preliminary as we have not yet done the CT Scan, chest Xray or any other diagnostic testing (waiting to be scheduled by the nurse). But upon looking at the area on my cervix and feeling around just about EVERYWHERE between my belly button and my knees, the oncologist feels pretty confident that its stage 1B1-just have to make sure it hasn't spread anywhere internally that he wasn't able to observe today. The 5-year survival rate for 1B1 is 90%!!!!!

SOOOO his plan of action is a radical hysterectomy which has been scheduled for April 28. We won't know until after the surgery if I will need radiation-depends on whether it has affected any of the lymph nodes, but we are hoping and praying that the surgery will get it all. We won't know that until about a week after the surgery when they get the path reports from surgery back.

I liked the doctor-he seemed very knowledgeable. Ben and I both agreed he seemed a bit lackadazical (sp?) about it all which is both good and bad-good in the sense that he DOES do this everyday so its "normal" to him, kinda bad in the sense that this is NOT normal to us and we need that sensitivity. But he seems very well qualified. I am going to get 2nd and 3rd opinions-from MD Anderson and CARTI, so we can be absolutely sure that this is the best route. I'm not messing around-I want it 100% gone!!!

He did not want to remove my ovaries or tubes and we all (me, Ben and my mom) disagreed with him and opted to have them removed as well. I have a history of severe ovarian cysts (his response was, "everyone has cysts"-mine put me in the ER and require surgery, sorry but if I can avoid that I'm gonna!!!), as well as my mom having fibroid tumors and dysplasia on her ovaries. Our family is complete-they are just wasting space and possibly just more stuff to grow cancer. Hormone replacement therapy is so advanced now that I'm not worried about that aspect of it. I plan to make an appt with my family physician to discuss the various options in that regard so we can already have that set up.

So at the end of the day, I'll be having the uterus, cervix, top part of the vagina, ovaries, fallopian tubes, lymph nodes, lymph channels, and tissue in the pelvic cavity that surrounds the cervix removed. I'm also going to consult with MD Anderson and CARTI regarding the type of incision he is wanting to make-I had 2 CSections which were both done with a horizontal incision (almost right on top of one another so that it looks like just one scar) but he is wanting to do a vertical incision through most of my abdomen. If this is the best option, then that is totally fine with me, just want to make sure:)

We are waiting for the nurse to schedule all the diagnostic testing-luckily I can do it at NW so we don't have to drive down to Fayetteville. The surgery is approx 3 hours, and the stay in the hospital is 3-5 days. I won't be able to drive for 2 weeks and can't lift or bend for 4 wks (gotta love that when ya have a newborn and a toddler LOL). Luckily we already have TONS of family that has volunteered to be here during that time so I might not be able to pick the kiddos up but at least someone will be able to bring them to me and we can still snuggle (seriously my biggest fear during this whole thing was not being able to snuggle with my babies). I'll have to have staples (YUK haven't had those with either of my CSections) which will be removed 1wk post-op and then go back to the oncologist one month out for a follow-up and hopefully receive 100% clear!!!

LOTS to digest-hopefully I didn't leave anything out. I'll steal my mom's notes from her tomorrow to make sure I didn't miss anything:) Just SOOOO thrilled to report stage 1!!!! Please pray for clean scans that show no metastasis and that it only requires surgery, that the surgery has no complications and they don't have to go back in my body ever again-I think 3 times is good enough for one lifetime!!!!

Thank you ALL for the awesome emails, phone calls, prayers, gifts, visits, hugs, and support!! Thank you, Ben, for making me go to the doctor-you literally saved my life and I'm so excited to spend the rest of mine with you!!! Thank you, God, for a BEAUTIFUL morning-yes it rained at first while we drove thru the safari but he gave us clear skies and a bright sunshine so Bella could see the kangaroos, scream at the goats and chase the baby birds (seriously all kinds of neat animals around and the child is awwed by the common baby bird LOL-love my chica!!!), and even got to play outside for a bit with Jessafern this afternoon. We had an awesome day!

More Facts

2009-04-07T20:28:00.002-05:00

Yes, I battle things with knowledge so I get on the internet and research:) I'm trying to balance that with the time I spend with Ben in the evenings-the one show that he watches every Tuesday is on right now so I have a free ticket to be glued to the computer LOL

A good document for anyone wanting facts re: cervical cancer
http://documents.cancer.org/115.00/115.00.pdf

AWESOME Blessings!!!

2009-04-07T15:04:00.003-05:00

Just gotta give a shout to God for all these awesome blessings:

meals being delivered to my family M-F through the end of August!!! 91 meals coordinated in under 24 hours~ Thank you God for working beautiful miracles through your amazing Kelly!!
there is not a single piece of dirty laundry in my house other than the clothes on our backs-and even more amazing it has all been put up (my poor lil laundry baskets aren't sure what to do with themselves!!), every dish has been washed and put away, and my babies have been fed and are taking an afternoon nap~ my mama ROCKS!!!
every single time I check my email, there is a new one letting me know that someone is praying for us-I work from home so I check my email constantly so thats alot of loving!!!
my bestest friend for contacting her experts and giving me great advice, and OMG I cannot wait for you to be here-soooo excited!!!
everyone that is sending me verses that have truly touched my heart and made me strong~ thank you!!! (I'm working on a project for Ben that will include all of those verses-thanks for making my job a lil easier!!)
the awesome people at Fellowship that have just wrapped us up in love and support since the moment we found out I have cancer~ together we will beat this and become even more beautiful and stronger because of it!!!
the Elders at Fellowship have invited us to the Elders meeting on April 20th so they can pray over us-I'm soooo incredibly honored and excited!!
Ben's aunts-oh wow, where do I begin!! I've always loved these ladies so much but WOW!! Bella just slept through an UPS delivery (but I left the package on the doorstep so she can still find it and be all excited and jump around like a silly girl) from Aunt 'Net-can't wait to see what my lil princess gets to wear to church on Easter Sunday:) Aunt Bessie has been my oncology guru (she works at CARTI so I've got it MADE in that corner!!)-she has answered my questions and is sending us a goodie box full of stuff for us to read and ways to help Bella. Aunt Carolyn and Joyce have said they will be here whenever and for however long we need them.
the awesome outpouring of love, support and prayers from EVERYONE- my mama chicas (oh how I love you ladies SOOOO much-I seriously will not be able to do this without ya, so thank you for loving me just the way I am and for being in my corner!!!), people I went to school with, Facebook friends, bible study ladies, people I have never even met before and honestly didn't even know existed (LOVE those emails-seriously gives me goosebumps and puts a huge grin on my heart)
the amazing fact that Hunter was NOT planned-we were wanting to start TTC again soon but he was a surprise, something we considered a "Nana blessing" since we got pregnant less than 3months after my Nana passed away. Christmas was always her favorite holiday and my due date was Christmas Day!!! We figured Nana had a nice lil chat with God and Hunter came to be:) Now we know it was even bigger and greater than that-a Nana blessing with a big huge dose of God behind it.
my babies and my husband-they keep me going, they get me out of bed everyday, they remind me why I'm fighting this, they remind me to thank God even in the midst of everything, and they always always always remind me to smile and then laugh til I nearly pee my pants- I love you with every ounce of my being!! Dangit NOW I'm crying!!!

k gonna go love on my sweet mama since she has been busting her bum all over my house and taking care of my babies so I can get work done before I go on hiatus

Blessed

2009-04-06T22:10:00.002-05:00

I am feeling overwhelming blessed by the outpouring of prayers, emails, Facebook love and comments on this blog. I'll never be able to say thank you enough or let you each know how much it truly means to me and my family. Everytime I opened another email today I literally felt a little stronger-definitely lifted me up!!! After reading the article re: not letting cancer go to waste-I know that one day I'll be able to repay all the wonderful love and blessings we are receiving from everyone by serving someone else that finds themselves in our shoes (darnit my babies are gonna find the cure for cancer tho!!!).

Everyone is asking how I am doing. Honestly I really don't feel "sick". I am getting tired alot more easily (I had been chalking that up to having a newborn but the lil wonderboy sleeps all night!!), am having mild cramping and some really uncomfortable lower back pain that has gotten a bit worse as the day has gone on. I am having increased urination (think 2nd trimester pregnancy potty trips) which is part of it. I am trying to drink as much water as possible to stay hydrated and mentally it helps-makes me think I'm flushing out all the UCK as Bella calls nasty stuff LOL

I'm pooped so I will work on some more personal shout outs to the awesome people we have walking with us. HUGE hugs to my mama for being here today and putting up with me and my energetic children (and my mounds of dirty laundry)!!!

Oncologist Appt Scheduled

2009-04-06T13:23:00.002-05:00

YAY!!! Got the oncologist appt scheduled for this Thursday @ 2:15pm. I will be seeing Randall Hightower (http://www.wregional.com/body.cfm?id=78&action=detail&ref=887), a gynecological oncologist at the Jonelle Hunt Women's Center affiliated with Washington Regional Medical Center in Fayetteville.

Random Facts

2009-04-06T08:59:00.002-05:00

There are two main types of cancer of the cervix; each one develops from different tissue types. The most common (about 80 percent to 90 percent) are squamous cell carcinomas. The other 10 percent to 20 percent are adenocarcinomas.
Squamous cell carcinoma develops in the lining of the cervix.
Treatment options are the same regardless if a cervical cancer is squamous or adenocarcinoma.

Cystoscopy and Proctoscopy
If advanced cancer is diagnosed and your doctor suspects the cancer may have spread beyond the cervix, a cytoscopy or proctoscopy may be done using a lighted tube to view the inside of the bladder (cystoscopy) or the anus, rectum, and lower colon (proctoscopy).

Imaging
To learn more about the extent of disease and suggest a course of treatment, the doctor may order some of the following imaging tests:
Chest X-ray: This is a picture of the chest that shows your heart, lungs, airway, blood vessels and lymph nodes. A chest X-ray can often show whether cancer has spread to the lungs.
Computed tomography (CT) scan: This diagnostic test uses an X-ray machine and a computer to create detailed pictures of the body, including 3-D images. It is used to detect disease outside the cervix or abnormal organ structure. CT scans also can be used to guide a needle into a mass if a biopsy is needed.
Magnetic resonance imaging (MRI): This diagnostic test uses magnetic fields and radio waves to create computerized pictures of the pelvis and abdomen. You may have to be placed in a tube, which can feel confining to people who have a fear of enclosed spaces.

Treatment for Cervical Cancer
Treatment of cervical cancer will depend on a number of factors, including:
The stage of the cancer
The size of the tumor
The patient's desire to have children
The patient's age and overall health

Surgery for Large, Cervical Cancer Lesion
The following surgical procedures may be used for larger cervical cancer lesions (usually up to 4 to 5 centimeters in width), but only if the cancer is all within the cervical tissue. If the cancer has spread beyond the cervix, doctors will usually recommend chemotherapy in combination with radiation therapy.
Trachealectomy: This procedure removes the cervix and surrounding tissue but not the uterus. It is used for women who have a larger cancerous area but wish to preserve the ability to have children. The procedure may include removal of lymph nodes. Typically patients considered for this procedure have to have tumors less than 2 centimeters in size.
Radical hysterectomy: The surgeon removes the cervix, uterus, part of the vagina and the tissues surrounding the cervix called the parametria. At the same time, the surgeon also removes nearby lymph nodes. Depending on a woman's age and the size of the tumor, she may also have a bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy (removal of the ovaries and fallopian tubes).

Radiation Therapy
Radiation therapy is used for cancers that have spread beyond the cervix (II, III, or IV) or very large lesions (larger than 4 centimeters).Radiation therapy uses high-energy X-rays or other types of radiation to kill cancer cells or shrink the tumor. Radiation therapy is used instead of surgery in most cases. However, it is sometimes necessary after surgery if it is discovered that the cancer has spread outside the cervix, or to reduce the risk that a cancer will come back after surgery.There are two types of radiation therapy: external and internal.
External radiation therapy uses a machine outside the body to send radiation toward the cervical cancer. Internal radiation therapy uses a small amount of radioactive material that is delivered directly to the tumor using implants.Internal radiation therapy implants are inserted through the vagina into the cervix, where they are placed next to the tumor while the patient is under anesthesia. The implants stay in place for a few days.

Chemotherapy
Chemotherapy uses drugs to stop the growth of cancer cells either by killing the cells or by stopping them from dividing. Chemotherapy can be given by mouth or injected into a vein or muscle. In most cases, it is given to a patient through a vein during an outpatient visit using systemic chemotherapy. The drugs enter the bloodstream and can reach cancer cells throughout the body.
Regional chemotherapy is chemotherapy is placed directly into an organ or a body cavity, such as the abdomen. Almost all cervical cancer patients in good medical condition and receiving radiation for stage IIA or higher will be offered chemotherapy in addition to radiation therapy.

Women with endometrial, cervical and ovarian cancers have the option of treating their disease with laparoscopic surgery, a minimally invasive procedure with advantages over traditional surgery, experts say.
“Laparoscopic surgery offers patients the benefit of faster recovery, less pain medication and quicker return to daily activities without compromising outcome and prognosis," says Pedro Ramirez, M.D., an assistant professor in M. D. Anderson’s Department of Gynecologic Oncology and director of Minimally Invasive Surgery.
Laparoscopic surgery is currently performed in the treatment of gynecologic cancers in just a few of the country’s cancer centers. “It provides patient safety that is comparable with traditional “open” surgery,” Ramirez says. Laparoscopy’s role in treating cancer has grown by leaps and bounds as more surgeons have become experienced at performing the procedure.
The laparoscope is a long, slender tube with a tiny camera on the end. An incision about an inch in length is made to insert the laparoscope, which gives surgeons a view of the treatment area. Other incisions, tiny enough to be covered with a Band-Aid, are made to insert miniature surgical instruments that can remove a cancerous tumor or an entire diseased organ, in some cases.
M. D. Anderson performs laparoscopic surgeries for:
Cervical cancer – Cervical cancer patients have the option of laparoscopic radical hysterectomy and staging. (Staging involves tests and procedures that determine the extent of the cancer.) Patients can be discharged from the hospital, potentially, the first day after surgery. Ramirez says that the “length of stay for a traditional abdominal radical hysterectomy usually is four to five days, and the recovery period is usually four to six weeks.”
Laparoscopy also can be used to evaluate spread of locally advanced cervical cancers to the lymph nodes. Besides removing malignant lymph nodes, the procedure allows radiation oncologists to determine the treatment field for radiation therapy with higher accuracy, which may ultimately reduce the risk of cancer recurrence.

When cervical cancer is detected early it is one of the most successfully treatable cancers. The five-year relative survival rate of localized cervical cancer is 92%, according to the American Cancer Society.

Don't Waste Your Cancer

2009-04-05T21:56:00.002-05:00

I was sent the link to this article and its amazing...

http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/TasteAndSee/ByDate/2006/1776_Dont_Waste_Your_Cancer/

Illness can sharpen your awareness of how thoroughly God has already and always been at work in every detail of your life.

WOW-see my previous post and you will definitely see evidence of this already in my life.

You will waste your cancer if you spend too much time reading about
cancer and not enough time reading about God.
Definitely agreeing with this one!! Yes knowledge most definitely gives me one up on the cancer but God gives me so much strength!

My Attitude

2009-04-05T15:15:00.002-05:00

If you would have told me just a week ago that I would have cancer and asked me how I thought I'd be dealing-I would have told you that I'd be a basketcase and would never leave bed. But I can honestly say that from the moment I was diagnosed, God has just wrapped me in a blanket of blessings making me constantly aware of the fact that I CAN be joyous even in the rottenest of situations. Yeah I'm not HAPPY that I have cancer-it downright sucks and pisses me off BUT I'm surrounded by enormous blessings:

God blessed us with two amazing, beautiful, smart, hilarious, awesome kids before we were handed this diagnosis. I will have to undergo a radical hysterectomy-basically a lifetime guaranteed birth control. I originally wanted my tubes tied but my OB "forgot" (YES I have changed doctors!!!)
God got us back in church. He did it through not so great circumstances (Ben's parent's divorce) but it forced us to see that there was something missing in our marriage and in our family and that was God. I started my relationship with God in January 2008-ironically the same month that my Nana went to Heaven. God knew I would need my greatest friend of all during that month, that year and now more than ever.
God has blessed us with the most amazingly supportive family ever!!! When Ben was medically discharged from the Air Force we were stationed in Italy. When we got back to the States we considered moving to different places but ultimately decided to stay in NWA so we could be near our families (thank you, God!!). My mom, a fellow cancer butt kicker, is less than 5 minutes away, as is my Papa and Ben's mom. My mom is taking off work this week just to be at the house for anything we need-take care of the kids when all the last minute appts and testing get scheduled, do stuff around the house, change a diaper when I'm in the middle of a breakdown, etc. Ben's Aunt Joyce and Aunt Carolyn have already said they will be here whenever we need them for however long we need them (waiting to get the gameplan set but I'm thinking it would be best whenever I come home from the hospital-we'll see). My bestest friend in the whole wide world is finally gonna prove to my husband that she is NOT an imaginary friend and come up to be with us (again waiting on the gameplan but I'm thinking it'd be nice to have her here during my hospital stay so that Ben and my mom can have breaks, and her sense of humor and beautiful Christian soul will keep me going!!!). My aunt and cousin are coming this week and we have all kinds of fun stuff planned-my cousin is closer to me than any sister could ever be!!
God has blessed us with an awesome church family. Fellowship scared me at first like it does alot of people because its HUGE. But I've learned that hugeness is just like Texas-just means everything is bigger and better!! We have had an outpouring of love and support and sooooo many prayers. We love our community group!!!
God has blessed me with the most awesome guardian angel, my Nana. I can tell you right now without a shadow of a doubt that she has been all up in God's face since Friday wiggling her finger and telling him just how its gonna work!!! I'm incredibly blessed to have her in my corner and while there have been many moments when dangit I just want a Nana hug or her sweet little hands to be holding mine-I know having her fight my case in Heaven is exactly what I need:)
God has blessed me with the absolutely hands down greatest husband EVER!!!! I would not want to go thru this with anyone else by my side. He is my rock, my best friend, my shoulder, and the boy knows how to spoon!!! He lays in bed and finds Bible verses for me to draw strength from, makes me laugh when I need it most and just holds me and listens when I finally let my walls down.

I am human, I DO have my moments when I let my walls down and just bawl my eyes out-did it in church this morning and I think I freaked the lady out next to me LOL I try not to let my mind be overcome with fear-I REFUSE to even fathom the possible "d" word outcome. It ain't happening, its not an option and no, I'm NOT in denial, I just refuse to go out that way.

In case you didn't get my loverly SHOCK of an email, here is what I've asked people to promise:

-you will not treat me like an invalid

-you will not walk on eggshells when you are around me

-you will not stop talking when I walk in the room

-you will not avoid the subject around me

-you will not make me your "friend who has cancer" or my husband "that guy whose wife has cancer".... I'm Danielle and I just happen to have cancer-

if you or anyone you know want the gory details, I promise to post them in all their beauty on this blog ... please understand there will be days when everyone gets an express ticket to voicemail, please don't take it personally-I love you all so very very very much but some days I'm just not gonna be a nice person to talk to

-that no matter what it takes, no matter how long I am in the hospital or stuck in bed, my babies get to see me EVERY single day and get to have a mama hug and kiss

-you won't have a look of pity in your eyes and you won't come up to me and say, "I'm sorry" (Please feel free to say, "This just really sucks" LOL)

A sweet friend of mine gave me the reality check I needed-you are each going to be affected by this differently, so you will each react differently and each have your own way of dealing with it. I cannot tell you not to cry or not to be angry at God or not to do whatever it is that YOU need to do to be ok with this. As a sexual assault survivor and child of divorce, I know everyone deals with things differently, in their own unique ways, on their own timeline, that no one else can dictate. We have to do whatever it is to survive, so I PROMISE to not be critical of how you deal (ok if you are mean to me or my family I might have to hurt you but otherwise you are good to go LOL). I just want to be surrounded my positive thoughts, positive attitudes, positive spirits. Its ok to cry in front of me or be pissed-BE 100% YOU!! But please please please, if you are having a down day, a day full of fear, please leave the pity party at the door. I hate hearing people's voices on the phone and can hear that its just full of "oh this is the horriblest thing ever, wo is me, sad sad sad sad". Don't be fake but don't think you have to be sad or miserable on my part-I'm sure as heck not gonna be!!! yeah it sucks, yeah I wouldn't wish it on anyone in this world, and yeah its gonna be the stinkingest hardest battle ever and I sure as heck am not looking forward to it but that doesn't mean I have to live like I'm dying (PS-cuz I'm NOT) or wallow (for Jan... waller LOL) in bed and mope. I know myself-I know that I put up my walls and push people away... well thats not gonna make anything better so I'm gonna try my dangedest (holy canoly my southern roots are shining thru when I get fiesty!!) to not default to that kind of defense mechanism. I promise I won't put on a happy face or mask my way thru this either. I AM trying to not cry in front of Bella mainly because she is going thru this funky dramatic stage where she is uber empathetic (she sees a cartoon character cry and she screams, "OH SAD!!" and fake cries, or when a little animal is lost from its mama on Diego she gets all dramatic and sad and mopey) but otherwise I'm just gonna be me-it probably isn't gonna be pretty at times but its all I can give:)

k time to get ready for community group-CIAO!

My Babies

2009-04-05T15:07:00.004-05:00

If anyone has any resources, ideas, tips, websites, books, etc. on how to handle Bella through this journey it would be GREATLY appreciated!!! Another God blessing-I was on bedrest for most of my third trimester with Hunter so Bella has already seen me in and out of the hospital a few times and has had to deal with the fact that sometimes Mama can't pick her up or can't wrestle, play, get out of bed (though I do NOT plan on laying around in bed unless I'm instructed to by my doctors), etc. We plan on telling her that Mama has a "boo-boo" and that the doctors are going to give me lots of good medicine and band-aids and then Mama will be better-basically language and concepts she can relate to. She just had an adenoidectomy and tubes put in her ears so she isn't exactly fond of doctors or medicine at the moment LOL When my mom had thyroid cancer when I was young, we weren't allowed to visit her in the hospital (not by her choice so don't go bashing my mama or I'll poke you), so it has been my vow since the moment I got diagnosed that no matter what, above all else, my children will see me every single day and get a mama hug and kiss. I want them to know that yeah mama is sick but she is still here, she is gonna be ok and their ornery lil selves are stuck with me! And yet another God blessing-Hunter isn't too fond of breastfeeding. Bella REFUSED to take a bottle so I was her human pacifier for 15 months. Hunter is too dang busy checking everything out around him that it is VERY hard to get him to breastfeed, so he is now down to 1-2 times per day and that is only if I get him when he first wakes up and is super hungry-when he'll actually sacrifice a few minutes of being uber observant to eat. So one less stressor-don't have to worry about weaning him.

I'm literally thanking God nearly every moment that he blessed us with two beautiful children before my diagnosis since I have been handed a lifetime guaranteed birth control:)

Background Story

2009-04-05T14:18:00.000-05:00

In 2000, before I had even graduated high school, I had an abnormal pap smear that showed dysplasia. A colposcopy was performed to remove the abnormal cells and everything came back "normal". Fastforward 8 years (8 years of normal pap smears), I'm 18 weeks pregnant with my 2nd child and I'm bleeding (the scary heavy bright red blood that you call the doctor on). My OB found polyp on my cervix but said it was nothing to worry about and that I could expect some bleeding throughout the pregnancy and it would eventually go away on its own. I did continue having bleeding off and on. Our awesome son, Hunter, was born 13 days before Christmas. At my 6 week post-partum appointment in February 2009 my OB did not make any notice of the polyp and my pap smear came back normal. I continued to have post-partum bleeding which would range from really light brown to huge red clots. I chalked it up to the fact that Hunter wasn't breastfeeding as much as Bella had so my hormones were out of whack. When I was still bleeding on Hunter's 3 month birthday I decided to make an appointment with a different GYN (for numerous reasons which I'm sure I'll rant about at some point in my journal). She found the polyp right off the bat during the exam and said it was definitely the culprit for my bleeding. She removed a large piece of it to send off to pathology and put some silver nitrate on my cervix to stop the bleeding. I made an appt to follow up in 2wks so she could give me the path results and check on the bleeding-put me on the mini-pill in case it was hormone related. The two days following that appointment I bled very heavily and had increased pain. I finally called on Friday to ask if this was to be expected or if I needed to come back in. She didn't have the path results back so she said she would call me back after lunch. She called after lunch to see if I was still bleeding-yes-come in so we can try something else to get it to stop. I got there at 4:30. The lab faxed over the report at 4:37. I knew when she walked in with the head GYN that it was cancer. I have squamous cell cervical carcinoma, moderately to poorly differentiated. Squamous cells make up 90% of all cervical cancers. Poorly differentiated is Grade 3-Grade 3 cancers grow and spread very quickly. They are considered "aggressive." We don't know what stage yet or if it has spread. Luckily there is a gynecological oncologist in Fayetteville and they will be calling him first thing on Monday morning to get me in ASAP. At this point all we know is that I will be having a radical hysterectomy (we are totally at peace with this since we have been blessed with two amazing children!!).