So we know I've got lymphovascular invasion and now stromal invasion but I've been having a bit of an emotional invasion lately. Sometimes they are emotions that I just don't really care too much for. I've had MAJOR awesome feelings of just loving God for all he has done to prepare us for this journey-that has never waivered, and in the dark moments when I feel it start to, I just throw in one of the amazing CDs that a beautiful friend made for me and I get pumped up again.
But lately I've got some anger going on. I don't like anger, its a waste of energy and most of the time totally unproductive. I use to be a VERY angry person-it just wasn't pretty and so I think part of me gets scared when I get angry that parts of that is coming back. I know better, I know anger can be healthy and its HUMAN for everyone to experience it.
Not once has my anger been directed at God. Even though sweet dear friends have given me permission to be downright pissed at him, I haven't. Instead, I'm just really darn mad at the cancer!! If I could see it face to face, I would probably haul off and smack it around a few times (hrmmm note to self-great visual to use during radiation!!). I also despise pity and when people throw themselves pity parties. Guess this comes from my mom telling me from the time I was young, "You are allowed -x amount of time- to wallow and then you have to dust your britches off and get going!" THANK YOU MAMA!! That is ONE thing I'll definitely pass on to my babies (yeah ok so 90% of the stuff I do with my babies is stuff that I once said, "When I have kids, I'll never..."). I am trying not to waller (love ya, Miss Jan!) and I definitely do NOT want a darn pity party but sometimes that anger just creeps up and I have to go ask Ben for a "Ben hug" (God's awesome medicine for just about anything) and sometimes use up a few wads of Kleenex.
What am I angry about? (I'm famous for lists LOL)
- From the moment I was diagnosed, I hated the thought of my family having to experience all of this for one itty bitty nanosecond. If I could just go in, get the stupid cancer out and be done, that'd be perfect. But nope, we are a package deal and we go through the good, the bad and the downright ugly together. So that means Ben pretty much has to be a single parent at times-I can't lift anything over 10lbs and Hunter is quite the chunk-o-munk (we have devised a way that I can hold him and feed him-pure blissful Heavenly moments!!!). It means when the kids get up at 3am and I'm still dopey from pain meds that he has learned how to operate on zilch for sleep at work and still come home and manage to muster up energy to wrestle with Bella (she LOVES her Daddy afternoon time) and tickle Mr. Man with his whiskers. It means that my sweet little girl has alot more not so sweet moments lately. We're gonna have to retrain her how to be a 3yr old when its just us again-MAJOR attitude, more than just the normal toddler junk, and acting out alot, which is totally normal for a chica in her shoes. She cries, "My mama gone" anytime I go to the doctor, and begs through tears to sleep in mama's bed (we have held firm on this one!!!). It means potty training has totally been thrown out the window. No playgroups cuz I can't even begin to find the energy to get all 3 of us ready, out the door and still be awake to drive. I'm angry that my family has to miss out on life cuz of my stupid cancer-I know NOT my fault, I'm not doing that, but I'm still angry.
- I really struggled before I was strong enough to hold Hunter and feed him. I honestly felt like I wasn't a mom anymore. I know being a mom is so much more than that and that they both still love me and see me as their one and only mama but somedays it just tore at my heart to not do my normal mom stuff.
- I get upset when I am so exhausted that I can't even sit up any longer and have to call my mom to come help us get the kids to bed. I hate how this cancer just zaps my energy. I'm use to going going going-maybe this is God's lil HELLO WAKE UP you can slow down some:) hrmmm ok, thank you!!! got it:)
- I'm angry that I lay in bed and worry that the chunk of cancer that is in my lymphovascular system is spreading, that its circulating through all my blood and is just in my body growing and getting stronger. I tell myself its the enemy sneaking into my thoughts but I know as a cancer survivor, I will probably live with that fear for the rest of my life-what if its still there, what if it comes back. I guess the fact that a test (pap smear) didn't pick it up in the first place sorta makes me leery of test results. I just have to put my trust in them and the Lord and know its just all part of the plan. Did I mention I'm a control freak? LOL
- I'm angry that when its a beautiful day outside and I'd normally take Bella to the pool, I'll have to think twice. I can sit on the edge of the kiddy pool and push Hunter around in his baby float:) I think this summer I'll be the picture taking maniac and love watching Ben wrestle with Bella in the pool and just thank God that I have a husband who is such an amazing father.
LOL totally laughing at myself as I see while I write this blog, I'm finding the silver linings-God's sweet blessings, in each of my lil pity angry moments.
The pity I feel for my family-the anger that they have to go through this-I'm thanking God that I HAVE a family to go through this with me, and know that God is making all our bonds that much stronger as we each lean on one another and find new beautiful meanings to our love. Thanking God for our lil ooops baby that came just in the nick of time, and whose birth actually probably helped us find the cancer sooner rather than later. Thanking God for all the "2nd string" help we have had-from the delicious meals, to Ben's aunts and both our moms. Seriously I do NOT know how we could do it without each and everyone of you!!!
The pity/anger I feel over not being able to do my normal mama stuff-thanking God for blessing me with my babies and being able to be their mama. They make it SOOOO fun!!! They are our greatest blessings and I cherish them and our moments together every single day. Ben reminds me, "Yep, it sucks right now but at least you are HERE, you are alive, and you are getting stronger every day and you'll be HERE for all the great memories and soon enough you'll be exhausted from all the mama stuff again." Thank you Lord for my beautiful husband!!!
Thank you God for showing me I don't have to be going going going-I might miss out on something like picnics in the front yard, or watching my babies splash together in the bathtub, or my husband gently putting ointment on my shark bite (my loverly surgery scar LOL). Thank you God for all of this-even the cancer, because it has brought such beautiful changes and I know after my body has totally kicked cancer to Never Never Land, I'll be that much stronger and that much closer to you. Funny how angry ol me who wasn't gonna throw herself a pity party (HAHA fooled myself at least), ended up throwing you that many more praises. Thanks for shining your big ol light when I get a little lost.