Threw myself a big ol pity party tonight-felt kinda good to just let go of the tough girl facade and have a nice lil meltdown:) Gonna pray lots tonight cuz I think Satan is really trying to creep in and plant lots of anxiety, doubt, worry and TONS of anger.
I know cancer will always be a part of my life. I know every ache, pain, weird "off" thing will cause me to think, "Is it back?" But dangit I do NOT want to go through this again! I do NOT want my family to have to be dragged through it. I hate even thinking about my life possibly having to revolve around cancer all over again.
I've been positive since I found out I was gonna have surgery. Just gonna get in there, get this junk out and it'll be nothing. Not sure what the heck my problem is today but it ain't fun! I guess just the fear of yet another surgery, dreading the wait over the weekend, and knowing anytime my phone rings on Monday or Tuesday I will want to throw it. I'm gonna tell the surgeon that if it is bad news, they need to call me and tell me to come in. Don't tell me over the phone. I want my family with me this time. Finding out last time all alone when I went in thinking they were just gonna stop the bleeding again was not fun (granted they didn't get the path report til after I was already there so there was no way to avoid it). If its good news, then they can call and just tell me over the phone and I'll jump around squeeling like a goofball:) Oh I hope I get to jump!!!
Last week, one night when I was having a doubtful moment, I just said to God, "Ok, seriously if this is what you need to be able to use me in awesome ways, I'll take one for the team. Use me use me use me but it better be all for your glory God!!!" Yeah that sacrificing moment didn't last too long-went right back to praying for no cancer! But seriously, the last time around, God used me in so many awesome ways and still is, just touching people and being there, being able to use that whole experience for his glory has been life changing. Then I said, "Ok, but really God, could we just skip a 2nd dose of it? Is it REALLY necessary?" I dunno-just a crazy back and forth dialogue I've got going with him-somehow keeps me sane:)