Have you seen my Nana lately?

On January 14, 2008, my Nana became pain-free for eternity. My mom, aunt and myself were able to spend the entire day with her and it was so beautiful. I wasn't able to be there when she took her last breaths and after I gave her a last hug, I kind of lost it. I went into the waiting area and bawled my eyes out. Then I heard her say, "It's ok. I AM OK. I'm not hurting anymore. Its ok, you'll be ok, Sweetie. I love you." The tears stopped, I got up and went to be with my family. I felt so at peace knowing she was in Heaven, never to feel pain ever again. My mom threw a bit of a hissy fit because everyone else had been getting "signs" that Nana was ok. I kept telling her she wasn't looking hard enough or it would come, just wait. I was able to convince her to come with me to Grief Share at Fellowship. It was the night to share our stories of our loved ones and my mom was not too thrilled. As the first person started their story, a flock of geese flew over the building-a LOUD flock of geese, as in we could barely even hear the lady speaking!! My mom burst into tears and whispered to me, "That's my Mama!!" Nana LOVED geese! Ever since then, anytime we see geese, we say, "Hi, Nana! I love you!" I know, silly but its our thing and makes our hearts smile.

Since my diagnosis, I have been a magnet for geese! Seriously... the afternoon of my diagnosis, as we were pulling out of the parking lot at NW, the geese were waddling to the pond across the street. The Sunday after my diagnosis, Ben and I were pretty weepy on the way to church. I gasped as I saw 2 geese in the median of 540 in Bentonville-WHEN has that ever happened?!?! In Bella Vista, yes... but in B'ville in the median of the interstate?!?! Two geese nearly dive-bombed my van as I was driving away from my CT scan on Tuesday.

I've had some bad pity party moments where all I want is my Nana to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. I AM amazingly blessed with an awesome support system-my family, my friends, my church family, complete strangers that visit my blog (I LOVE your comments and prayers!!!), but some days I just want my Nana. She was the person that would tell me how beautiful I am when I was feeling unloveable. She would call me every day to tell me what I great mom I am when I doubted myself the most. She would sit next to me and just hold my hand so I would never doubt for a second that she loved me and would always be there. So on my cruddy days when I'm just darn sick of having cancer invade my body, it is nice when geese show themselves to me in their funny little ways. Thank you God for creating geese, especially the loud ones, and allowing them to be seen on the days I need them most!!!