Sunday, April 5, 2009

My Attitude

If you would have told me just a week ago that I would have cancer and asked me how I thought I'd be dealing-I would have told you that I'd be a basketcase and would never leave bed. But I can honestly say that from the moment I was diagnosed, God has just wrapped me in a blanket of blessings making me constantly aware of the fact that I CAN be joyous even in the rottenest of situations. Yeah I'm not HAPPY that I have cancer-it downright sucks and pisses me off BUT I'm surrounded by enormous blessings:

  • God blessed us with two amazing, beautiful, smart, hilarious, awesome kids before we were handed this diagnosis. I will have to undergo a radical hysterectomy-basically a lifetime guaranteed birth control. I originally wanted my tubes tied but my OB "forgot" (YES I have changed doctors!!!)
  • God got us back in church. He did it through not so great circumstances (Ben's parent's divorce) but it forced us to see that there was something missing in our marriage and in our family and that was God. I started my relationship with God in January 2008-ironically the same month that my Nana went to Heaven. God knew I would need my greatest friend of all during that month, that year and now more than ever.
  • God has blessed us with the most amazingly supportive family ever!!! When Ben was medically discharged from the Air Force we were stationed in Italy. When we got back to the States we considered moving to different places but ultimately decided to stay in NWA so we could be near our families (thank you, God!!). My mom, a fellow cancer butt kicker, is less than 5 minutes away, as is my Papa and Ben's mom. My mom is taking off work this week just to be at the house for anything we need-take care of the kids when all the last minute appts and testing get scheduled, do stuff around the house, change a diaper when I'm in the middle of a breakdown, etc. Ben's Aunt Joyce and Aunt Carolyn have already said they will be here whenever we need them for however long we need them (waiting to get the gameplan set but I'm thinking it would be best whenever I come home from the hospital-we'll see). My bestest friend in the whole wide world is finally gonna prove to my husband that she is NOT an imaginary friend and come up to be with us (again waiting on the gameplan but I'm thinking it'd be nice to have her here during my hospital stay so that Ben and my mom can have breaks, and her sense of humor and beautiful Christian soul will keep me going!!!). My aunt and cousin are coming this week and we have all kinds of fun stuff planned-my cousin is closer to me than any sister could ever be!!
  • God has blessed us with an awesome church family. Fellowship scared me at first like it does alot of people because its HUGE. But I've learned that hugeness is just like Texas-just means everything is bigger and better!! We have had an outpouring of love and support and sooooo many prayers. We love our community group!!!
  • God has blessed me with the most awesome guardian angel, my Nana. I can tell you right now without a shadow of a doubt that she has been all up in God's face since Friday wiggling her finger and telling him just how its gonna work!!! I'm incredibly blessed to have her in my corner and while there have been many moments when dangit I just want a Nana hug or her sweet little hands to be holding mine-I know having her fight my case in Heaven is exactly what I need:)
  • God has blessed me with the absolutely hands down greatest husband EVER!!!! I would not want to go thru this with anyone else by my side. He is my rock, my best friend, my shoulder, and the boy knows how to spoon!!! He lays in bed and finds Bible verses for me to draw strength from, makes me laugh when I need it most and just holds me and listens when I finally let my walls down.

I am human, I DO have my moments when I let my walls down and just bawl my eyes out-did it in church this morning and I think I freaked the lady out next to me LOL I try not to let my mind be overcome with fear-I REFUSE to even fathom the possible "d" word outcome. It ain't happening, its not an option and no, I'm NOT in denial, I just refuse to go out that way.

In case you didn't get my loverly SHOCK of an email, here is what I've asked people to promise:

-you will not treat me like an invalid

-you will not walk on eggshells when you are around me

-you will not stop talking when I walk in the room

-you will not avoid the subject around me

-you will not make me your "friend who has cancer" or my husband "that guy whose wife has cancer".... I'm Danielle and I just happen to have cancer-

if you or anyone you know want the gory details, I promise to post them in all their beauty on this blog ... please understand there will be days when everyone gets an express ticket to voicemail, please don't take it personally-I love you all so very very very much but some days I'm just not gonna be a nice person to talk to

-that no matter what it takes, no matter how long I am in the hospital or stuck in bed, my babies get to see me EVERY single day and get to have a mama hug and kiss

-you won't have a look of pity in your eyes and you won't come up to me and say, "I'm sorry" (Please feel free to say, "This just really sucks" LOL)

A sweet friend of mine gave me the reality check I needed-you are each going to be affected by this differently, so you will each react differently and each have your own way of dealing with it. I cannot tell you not to cry or not to be angry at God or not to do whatever it is that YOU need to do to be ok with this. As a sexual assault survivor and child of divorce, I know everyone deals with things differently, in their own unique ways, on their own timeline, that no one else can dictate. We have to do whatever it is to survive, so I PROMISE to not be critical of how you deal (ok if you are mean to me or my family I might have to hurt you but otherwise you are good to go LOL). I just want to be surrounded my positive thoughts, positive attitudes, positive spirits. Its ok to cry in front of me or be pissed-BE 100% YOU!! But please please please, if you are having a down day, a day full of fear, please leave the pity party at the door. I hate hearing people's voices on the phone and can hear that its just full of "oh this is the horriblest thing ever, wo is me, sad sad sad sad". Don't be fake but don't think you have to be sad or miserable on my part-I'm sure as heck not gonna be!!! yeah it sucks, yeah I wouldn't wish it on anyone in this world, and yeah its gonna be the stinkingest hardest battle ever and I sure as heck am not looking forward to it but that doesn't mean I have to live like I'm dying (PS-cuz I'm NOT) or wallow (for Jan... waller LOL) in bed and mope. I know myself-I know that I put up my walls and push people away... well thats not gonna make anything better so I'm gonna try my dangedest (holy canoly my southern roots are shining thru when I get fiesty!!) to not default to that kind of defense mechanism. I promise I won't put on a happy face or mask my way thru this either. I AM trying to not cry in front of Bella mainly because she is going thru this funky dramatic stage where she is uber empathetic (she sees a cartoon character cry and she screams, "OH SAD!!" and fake cries, or when a little animal is lost from its mama on Diego she gets all dramatic and sad and mopey) but otherwise I'm just gonna be me-it probably isn't gonna be pretty at times but its all I can give:)

k time to get ready for community group-CIAO!


  1. We are praying... My husband and I would love to pass on some of our favorite verses to you along with some music that has kept us soaring closer to the LORD through our cancer storm. here is my email we would love to mail that to you! Also if you ever need to talk we are available for ANYTHING. I know we are not in the same exact storm but similar! Thanks for sharing you heart and letting us read about your journey! Continue to press in to HIM!

    Windy Hall

  2. Hey, I'm Windy's mom... Just know that as I pray for Brandon, I will keep you in my prayers. I found this article by John Piper, pastor in Minnesota very eye-opening. If you get a chance and feel up to it... it's a challenging and encouraging read. It's called Don't Waste Your Cancer. I've never been in your situation, but as I read it... I kept thinking, "I don't won't to waste Brandon's cancer because God never wastes our pain." There has been something for all of us to learn on his journey.

  3. Isaiah 40:26-30

    Lift your eyes and look to the heavens:
    Who created all these?
    He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name.
    Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing.

    Why do you say, O Jacob,
    and complain, O Israel,
    "My way is hidden from the LORD;
    my cause is disregarded by my God"?

    Do you not know?
    Have you not heard?
    The LORD is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of the ends of the earth.
    He will not grow tired or weary,
    and his understanding no one can fathom.

    He gives strength to the weary
    and increases the power of the weak.

    Even youths grow tired and weary,
    and young men stumble and fall;

    but those who hope in the LORD
    will renew their strength.
    They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

    I'm here for you, Danielle. I love you very much, and we will definitely be having a burn party in your front yard when I come. (Gotta teach those neighbors what Texans from the sticks are REALLY like. :) Tell me the time and place, and I'll be there. I've got lots of people praying already and will get more -- the "Queens" are on it. :) Now Wade feels like he knows you a little better, too (read the blog:)

    Love you oodles and sending a HUGE ALY HUG -- me